Yesterday I took  my daughter swimming for the fist time. As I had her in my arms walking up the stairs to the water slide, I thought "what if I threw her over the balcony and she smashed her head on the deck below." When we got home, for some reason I was thinking about a lady down the block who yelled at Lindsey and I two years ago. I thought "I am going to stab and kill her son." This disease has taken control of my life again. I realized that every thought I have; running someone over, stabbing and killing someone, getting fired, all have the same result: me being alone in a jail cell or psych ward, disgracing everyone I know, being in the newspaper, and ultimately, losing everything. Why is that? Do I have this hidden fear of being alone?

Whatever it is, I need to get to the bottom of it. For the last week these thoughts have had 100% control over me. I pray, I make the sign of the cross, I cry for hours, I pace around the house. What's worse is I have graphic images of doing things to myself to just end it all. I picture myself putting a gun in my mouth and blowing my brains out and ending all this crap. I am smart enough to never do this, but it is clear from these thoughts that I am very depressed. And this time, I intend to not only seek help but persist with treatment.

I am 29-years-old and I have been plagues by these violent thoughts since I was 23. For the most part, the paxil has kept my depression at bay and I have been able to function. I have managed to become a successful teacher, friend, husband, and father. But every once in a while, I have a setback and I come whining and sniveling to you for reassurance instead of listening to my self-help books and previous therapists advice. That is not fair to any of you, as you have your own life stressors, nor is it helping me get any better.

I have a psychiatric assessment on Tuesday where the effectiveness of my medication will be looked at. I will then be referred to a CBT therapist. As I am writing this I am watching my beautiful 3 and a half month old roll over for the first time and talk to herself. I want to watch her grow without living in fear that I will go to jail and never see her again. She needs a strong dad, not once that crys and prays everytime he gets a violent thought. I realize this is probably depression talking, but I feel so weak and pathetic right now. My brain will not stop.

All I know is I have to will myself to get better. I just want to cry and lay in bed, but I can't. I need to learn some strategies to deal with these thoughts so they dont put me in a deep depression every time they come. I have to do it for my daughter, my family, and for me.

Thanks for always being there.

2 Comments
  1. pinksparkle 12 years ago

    hi there hun,i have pure o to,and your thoughts are not  unlike mine.your fears of lonliness echo mine,and isolation,prison etc…sometimes id rather have anything but this.i have sat for hours thinking of ways to die,but that isnt the ansewer,your kids love and need you.it affects your life in such a horrific way,more than your "normal" person could ever comprehend.i cannot offer much apart from telling you your not alone,as i know too well in a few hours/days/weeks time i will be panicking and thinking many of the scary thoughts i have,so i cant  do anything apart from say you sound like a lovely dad,and this is just the awful disease.i hope this goes some small way to making you feel a tiny bit better as people have done for me in my bad times,xxxx

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  2. hancey 12 years ago

    Donnie, this is great to hear!!  Time to get the meds re-assessed, get some CBT and get back on track to fulfill that most important of all jobs–being a parent to your kids and a participant in their lives.  I am confident that you will do well.

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