Yesterday I took my daughter swimming for the fist time. As I had her in my arms walking up the stairs to the water slide, I thought "what if I threw her over the balcony and she smashed her head on the deck below." When we got home, for some reason I was thinking about a lady down the block who yelled at Lindsey and I two years ago. I thought "I am going to stab and kill her son." This disease has taken control of my life again. I realized that every thought I have; running someone over, stabbing and killing someone, getting fired, all have the same result: me being alone in a jail cell or psych ward, disgracing everyone I know, being in the newspaper, and ultimately, losing everything. Why is that? Do I have this hidden fear of being alone?
Whatever it is, I need to get to the bottom of it. For the last week these thoughts have had 100% control over me. I pray, I make the sign of the cross, I cry for hours, I pace around the house. What's worse is I have graphic images of doing things to myself to just end it all. I picture myself putting a gun in my mouth and blowing my brains out and ending all this crap. I am smart enough to never do this, but it is clear from these thoughts that I am very depressed. And this time, I intend to not only seek help but persist with treatment.
I am 29-years-old and I have been plagues by these violent thoughts since I was 23. For the most part, the paxil has kept my depression at bay and I have been able to function. I have managed to become a successful teacher, friend, husband, and father. But every once in a while, I have a setback and I come whining and sniveling to you for reassurance instead of listening to my self-help books and previous therapists advice. That is not fair to any of you, as you have your own life stressors, nor is it helping me get any better.
I have a psychiatric assessment on Tuesday where the effectiveness of my medication will be looked at. I will then be referred to a CBT therapist. As I am writing this I am watching my beautiful 3 and a half month old roll over for the first time and talk to herself. I want to watch her grow without living in fear that I will go to jail and never see her again. She needs a strong dad, not once that crys and prays everytime he gets a violent thought. I realize this is probably depression talking, but I feel so weak and pathetic right now. My brain will not stop.
All I know is I have to will myself to get better. I just want to cry and lay in bed, but I can't. I need to learn some strategies to deal with these thoughts so they dont put me in a deep depression every time they come. I have to do it for my daughter, my family, and for me.
Thanks for always being there.