After the fight last Thursday night, the spouse has been extra attentive. Of course. It’s the same ol’ song-and-dance as far as I’m concerned. Get back to me later this fall. By Thanksgiving, I’ll be back to doing my own shopping for my own holiday gifts from him.
To paraphrase a jaded Magneto in X-Men: First Class… “go on Meathead, tell me I’m wrong.” In other words, PROVE IT.
Honestly, I feel like a horribly spoiled brat right now. I almost *want* him to fail so I can move on and be done with this. But, I also feel like I’m not being fair to him. He’s not a monster. He’s not abusive. He hasn’t cheated on me, that I know of. (And, sadly, I’m not even sure I’d care…) He’s not controlling… although, frankly, it would be nice if someone else took charge of even just a few things, for a change.
What if I could find a partner whose judgment I trusted? Not a mind reader, but someone who listened when I talked about financial worries or logistical crap with my kid. Hell, I barely trust my husband to get our kid to the doctor on time.
Ugh… I still have so much resentment!!! So much hurt festering inside. We’ve tried couples therapy. He didn’t think it would help – and frankly, neither did I. It wasn’t the therapy I doubted, but him. And it did help, for a few months. But I’m right back to feeling like little more than a nuisance to him. I mean, when face-to-face, we get along just fine. He can be fun to be around when he’s not wallowing in self-pity about his dead-end job (and I’m not pulling my hair out over his lack of ambition to change anything about it). He’s a good friend. We share a lot of the same political views and morals (in spite of him being Atheist and me some weird mix of Christian and Wiccan). Meathead is a decent housemate. He’s good at fixing stuff around the house, small repairs to my car, etc. He kills all the bugs I’m too freaked out to go near (which is all of them). And he likes my cats – which is a definite plus.
But I feel like I have to hold myself back to be his equal, on spiritual and emotional levels.
I know all couples go through peaks and valleys. I know attractions fade. People age, people grow – and not always at the same rates or in the same direction. But romance doesn’t have to fade away. You can choose to keep fanning those flames, just as easily as you can choose to let the fire die. Romance isn’t something you have to earn from a job. It’s genetics or luck. And it doesn’t have to cost a dime. It’s the little things you do to remind your partner that his or her presence in your life is not only welcome, but desired and appreciated. And not because you’ve asked (begged) for those little things to be done. This is how I want to be loved. This is how I *could* love, if I felt that my heart was safe.
Truth be told, though, I don’t know if I believe love like that actually exists. Not for real people, at least. And certainly not for neurotic and clumsy fat girls with jacked-up teeth and depression. No, I remain convinced that girls like me are lucky to get what we get. Settle for what’s there, or go without. That was the deal when I was younger, so it seems only fitting to be the deal I have to accept in my adulthood.