i'm still around… sometimes i don't log on here too much because it's sad for me to see that other people are feeling sad, hopeless, and lonely as well… but i know that we're all here for a reason… and i could kick myself for not being more supportive…. 

i watched a very moving documentary a few weeks back… it was called 'the bridge' and it was about the san francisco golden gate bridge and how many commit suicide from jumping from the bridge… the numbers were appalling… and what was even more appalling was people just walking by, not noticing an individual hanging over the bridge… another thing that seemed odd was that the families of the victims seemed emotionally detached… don't know if it was because they were mad or didn't understand… seemed like they didn't understand… 
we, here, all know what it's like to feel utterly hopeless… even when things are going well, we're still depressed and it's frustrating because we don't know why… i guess until you have experienced it, you don't understand… my fiance asked me if i could relate to the people in the documentary… because he doesn't understand my emotions… but at least he is here to help and support me… sometimes it is lonely though, just having him to lean on… sometimes i feel like such a burden…. 
i'm still dealing with friend issues… some days it bothers me more than others… some days i don't give a rat's ass about them… go figure… i do wish though i could beat them up and call them self righteous, hypocrital bitches… 
i have been struggling with weight… stupid medication… all my life i have been a constant 95 pounds… and now i'm weighing in at 121 pounds… it's shocking for me, and my ankles can't hang with the weight…. sure, at first i had a ravenous appetite, but it has tapered off and i'm still gaining weight… so i have been taken off the remeron and the depakote has been increased… we'll see how it works out… i have a wedding dress to fit into!
i hope all of you are well and are not feeling alone… 
1 Comment
  1. esmerael 14 years ago

    Sometimes when you don't have the emotional resources to save everyone, coming somewhere like this can feel like one thing too many. I've left depression communities when I've been low as well. It is hard to accept support when you feel you cannot give enough back. But it's swings and roundabouts, sweetheart. I'm sure you offer support plenty when things aren't so low.[br]I saw "The Bridge" too, but I'm afraid I found it despicable. The filmmakers lacked empathy and were exploiting the despair and personal tragedy of their subjects without intervention or care. They were just like the passers-by. It left me cold.[br]Peace and strength.xxx

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