hmmm iv been reluctant to start writing blogs, because my self esteem has been so low i havnt been able to stand the sight of my own words. But today i feel like i want to give it a try. Hopefully people can read it and i can build some friendships.
Lately the mornings have been soo soo hard. I wake up and the worry sets in. Anxiety. That feeling in my stomache, like someones squeezing it. I go around the house trying to delay the inevitable trip to work. I worry about what the kids will be like today, what im going to teach, and then the worries strech off and into the future about every possiblity and every pain or suffering that could happen to me, to make me feel even worse than i do now. The little kindy kids come up to me so excited and happy, saying "teacher claire teacher claire!" and try to grab my hands and get my attention. but i feel so on edge that i just want to be left alone.
The morning classes begin, and i force myself to be animated, patient, loving, and try to ignore the self loathing i feel, the feeling of being an utter failure. 12 o'clock rolls around, then i go on facebook, try to distract myself from my thoughts and just get more anxious and worried when i look at other people's profiles and status updates. I wonder why everyone else is normal and has it together, but i don't. I think about doing some prep for the afternoon classes, but i just worry about it and i worry it wont be good enough so things don't get done. Im so scared of failing that im not brave enough to try.
i bite down a couple of bites for lunch. my co workers ask me if that is all im going to eat, then they give me that sympathetic look like hmmm poor you.
then i photocopy some stuff for my afternoon classes, try to plan some things to teach, then i have an after-lunch class with the kindy kids. i stumble through that, under the critical glare of the enemy inside my head. then its time for afternoon classes. three hours of shouting, me trying to explain things to children in english, struggling, and then its 5.10
I do some marking, go on facebook, then go home. then i get to relax and come on depression tribe, where there are so many friendly and understanding people.
I could write a whoole lot more. I know i dont feel that bad all the time, i am happy some of the time. i just wanted to put down the negative feelings in this blog, in the hopes that i can make sense of it.