I wanted to say 'hi' to everyone. I am generally new but on chat alot. I find it helpful to talk with others who suffer from OCD. Ofcourse there is always the thought "What if they are wrong about the OCD and I am just going crazy" which causes a string of thoughts, each worse than the next, to flood my brain in rappid succession. But everything about this site and group tells me that the diagnosis I got earlyer this year is correct. In a way that is comforting. Its not insainity though it may feel like it is. In another way it is scary. It means that something is wrong and I can not pretend that nothing is. I have always been one who could sneek back into a world of fiction to focus myself. A character in a book I made up, someone who finds themselves in much worse cercomstances than mysefl and yet survives. So that when I start to think of the reality, it does not feel as bad, as scary as that which I designed in my head. Of course this type of relief is brief. Like banging your head against a wall, it feels so good when you stop, but eventually you have to deal with the throbbing consiquences of your actions.

So I guess that is where I am left. looking around at everything I have shut out or ignored or avoided as a means of keeping my own thoughts at bay. I basically have Pure O OCD. I have alot of mental compulsions, though there are a few more concreate things as well, they do not inhibit me as much as those I create it my head. At first the hardest thing was trying to figure out what my compulsions were but once I stumbled on one, several more became clear.

Since I was a kid, I can remeber thinking things, and avoiding things as a result, but secreatly. The less people saw this strange part of my nature the better, or so my thoughts told me. Off and on throughout the years, sometimes worse sometimes better, sometimes I got so tired of living in fear that I did ERP without even knowing it. I went to therapists for depression or anxiety but my thoughts would defeate me "they want to lock you up" the thoughts would say "they think you are a baby just saying something is wrong with you to get attention" they would add. Eventually I would stop going because my thoughts would win the fight. I was almost sure that they were not out to get me but… then again… what if I was wrong? .. better not chance it.

Knowing OCD and what others experience helps me to keep going when I think these things. It gives me the strength to bring it up because I know on a logical level it's just OCD and not reality. Ofcourse when anxiety gets the best of me, it is still in question, but its still more perspective than I had before.

Anyway I wanted to write and I did. I am sure I'll doubt a million times over how people will take what I wrote. I will avoid re-reading it and maybe that will be some good ERP. I am greatful for this group and the chance to share with all of you!

Nicole

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