Good day everyone,
My name is Krista… This is my first post. I'm not too sure how to go about this, I'll start off by saying I'm a psych major. So I guess, that is kind of how I came upon knowing that what I was experiencing was OCD and since about a year into my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years, that I experience ROCD.
My OCD works with numbers, uncertainty, impulse control (or lack there of) and anxiety. I also suffer from bouts of anxiety, it doesn't happen all the time, full blown anxiety attacks, but I'm anxious a lot and sometimes I combust, so to say. My 'favorite' number is four, it is even and some how odd numbers are 'bad' and the number 6, based on popular media, is a horrid number! The funny thing is, in Japan, I believe, my favorite number 4 is the bad number. Gosh, now I'm just babbling. sorry. But that's a little about me in a nut shell.
I woke up this afternoon and decided that I wanted to come on her and make a posting. I was talking to my significant other for a few minutes and he said he had to go run some errands, and naturally my mind says "What are those errands? Why won't he be specific and tell me? Did I say something wrong? Is he mad because I went out last night?", so outloud I ask "Why? What are you going to do?" and he basically tells me and this is paraphrasing, that he is "going to do some stuff he had to do because he was waiting for his parents to come home jus to get these things done". So, I continue to inquire and to lightly demand specificity and at this point I am suspiscious, why? Because I HAVE to know. I don't know what it is, I get anxious if I don't know and I feel like I should, as if I am looking for some kind of clue as to what he might be doing and what always comes to my mind is, cheating or getting away from me and my craziness. So I look for clues and I HAVE to know… It drives him nuts, he is sweet about it…but I know it drives him nuts. I just can't stop though.. I try. And I think to myself, what would a normal girlfriend do in this case? What would she say? or more importantly, what would she FEEL? Because if she feels at ease and unthreatened, she would not project such anxiety, need to know his every move and reason, she would not project that she is uncertain and uneasy. It would be nothing, it would not even be a moment or a yearning. She would probably say 'Alrighty! Don't work to hard babe!" or "Not fair, errands over me!" or even "Ok, I'll talk to you later then, I can't wait to see you." I wish it was that easy for me… Instead of having to know things and having to attach some sort of meaning to every single little speck of conversation, tone of voice or pause. It would be so much easier for him and for me…
A lot of people I know are getting engaged or married right now, heck my brother is one of them. I'm 22 by the way… I have been with him 3 years, of which he was going to school, unemployed for sometime post graduation and now he is working. I myself have been in school for the 3 years, I met him in my first year and I fell in love with him from the time he walked me all the way up to my door at my home. He looked at me for a kiss and kind of made an unsure jokey gesture and I shook my head and said no and pointed to both of my cheeks and that's exactly where he kissed me. I knew from then he would be everything.. Sorry, I digress. But we have been through a lot, if you can imagine–which I am sure you all can–and with all of these people I know getting married or engaged, left and right, I wonder if he will ever WANT to propose to me. I wonder if it is too late for me to change, too little to late. I wonder if he is frightened of the thought of making that commitment with someone as plagued as I am and having to deal with such a demon for the rest of his life. It breaks my heart to think of a day without him in my life, even a minute or a second where I can't feel him as a part of me. It kills me inside.
I know this is a long winded post, and I am sorry if it took a lot of time to read it, this is therapuetic for me, getting this off my chest and expressing these crazy wonderland of things that go through my mind to like minded people who may deal with similar issues. So if you even read a sentence, skim, read the title or even if I don't get a response, I am just so thankful to be on here and have somewhere to run to. All the best to all of you, and whatever you are dealing with..YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT.
Respectfully,
Krista.
Lepiej Mnie.
Don't Let it Define You..
I kind of do the same thing with my hubby. I ask him where he is going and why. I don't like being that way, that is not me. I also feel like he's trying to get away from me and the ocd. He knows it's the ocd, but sometimes I feel like maybe he thinks I'm crazy. Ocd is hard on relationships and it might take its toll on it. It's never too late for you to get better, seek treatment and go to therapy. I know that it'll help with all the symptoms of ocd and medication can help with anxiety. I'm always anxious and then out of nowhere it kind of blows up. I hope this helped, feel better.
I over analyze way too much within relationships, also. And not even romantic ones. Friendships, all kinds. If there is one phrase that those of us with OCD know all too well, it is the one about beating a dead horse. And we also know that we cannot just stop. It is unfortunate. Does your significant other know you have OCD? That might help a little bit, to explain the behavior you have that is unlike others. Hang in there, and glad you found a home in this site!
Honestly, though I have taken long to respond, I have seen your comments since they were first posted and I am so appreciate that you guys responded. It's nice to be able to relate to others and for others to be able to relate to you. It truly makes me feel like I'm not alone out there.
Simplify, thank you for making me feel as though I do deserve to be loved and for helping me to magnify the fact this man loves me and is patient with me. He often says he wants to 'help me', which I appreciate it, but it scares me because I don't want to let him down because when I try not to be or doe something a certain way, I often relapse….I just couldn't stand failing him like that, he will not think I am trying then.
Rainingoctober, I do the same thing also… I over analyze peoples tone, facial expression, their assumed (on my part) impression of me, everything. it is draining. I tends not to bother me too much if it is people that are distant, as in acquaintances or people I just don't have strong emotinos ties to. If I don't care about them (not in the selfish in human way), then I analyze and that is where it ends. However, with my family/boyfriend or with REALLY close friends, I tend to do it a lot more. most with the first two though, because they mean so much to me. I love them so much that I don't want to lose them, nor do I want them to think less of me and my mind conjures all of this nonsense or scenarios where they would and Iend up creating these instances. Self fulfilling prophecy, of sorts.. Yes my significant other is aware, he thought it was just counting at first and that my favorite number was 4 and this and that, but as the relationship progressed, I certain things unfolded, excessive insecurity (I am not generally insecure, my self-esteem isn't low, not to sound conceited or self centered, but I love my body, mind and whatever else there is about me, because it is a reflection of all interactions I have had in my life that built me the way I am. so I love it and I am thankful) But, my mind would conjure all of these negative images and I would project them onto him. It was like I couldn't stop myself, there was no connection with the thoughts to the current situation or anything, but they would just come out. then I read more into OCD and I told him about it, troubles with impulsivity and control…uncertainty. I told him why 4 is my favorite and what that favoritism illicits in my behavior, and then later on I was curious about relationships and OCD and I found articles about ROCD, and it was like I was reading about myself..so I told him about that and gave him an article to read. He was confused and a little unsettled by it, but he tries to undestand.
Epix, thank you for the relation to my behavior. I hate it! I ask him where is he going, what's he doing, I have in the past even made impulsive remarks about his cellphone usage…and that's not me. I am not that type of person. I have no reason to be, and I always thought I'd be that type of girlfriend that took care of her boyfriend (Which I do) and gave him his freedom and trusted him and made he feel and know that's how it is. However, that is not the case I cannot seem to stop these thoughts and these questions, doubts and confusion. I really want to, I need to…I want to be that person I know I really am on the inside. I want him to be comfortable around me again, this has put too much stress on our relationship, too much strain. I just don't know how to reset, erase, or since I can't really do that, start out on the right foot and allow us to have many more years of happiness that shine a light that flushes out the darker days.
Do you guys have any tips for coping? I am all ears if you do. Thanks again for your time. All the best to you all.
Don't Let it Define You..