10/13/21 2:35

I hope I’m doing this right. It’s not my intention to hurt or upset anyone. Idk if I need a trigger warning or not but I’ll try to keep any cussing to a minimum and I’ve learned the hard way not to share certain things because some people will use it against me. This seems like a pretty nice place that offers more control for myself over what is written. That I can edit and delete it myself without jumping through hoops trying to locate someone else who can do it for me

I just need a place to put things down and get them out of my head  because these thoughts drive me nuts sometimes and it’s nice to be heard or maybe it’s the illusion of being heard. I’m not sure. Either way I’m trying to work through some things because I have been marinating in self hate for a couple of years and recent issues with someone has just caused me to hate myself more. There are diagnosis’s I’m dealing with or trying to deal with and some days are better than others

I might write daily. I might write many times in one day.  I guess it all depends on what’s going on in this head of mine. Some things might not make any sense and some things might be so painfully clear

Should anyone choose to read these words here please do so with an open mind and try to make assumptions. I’ve had enough people make assumptions – keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times – please don’t feed the monsters and pay no mind to the demons in the hall

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For what it’s worth I’m sorry. I’ve hurt people but it wasn’t intentionally. It doesn’t excuse me though. I sometimes say things I don’t mean – in a tone I shouldn’t. I keep things to myself I should share and share things I shouldn’t.  I get nervous easy and hide away or I get depressed and pull away. It confuses people and make’s them think it’s them when it’s not. For what it’s worth – it’s me – it’s just the way I am and I know it’s no excuse but I am sorry for the hurt and harm that I have caused others in my life and I pay for it every day in various ways

(idk – I don’t think I’m using this right)

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10/14/21

You confessed my sins. But you forgot to confess your own. You claimed to be giving me closure but it was 7 months after the fact and it was more of an assassination of character. You once again made me ashamed of who I am.  You made accusations and assumptions about things that you have no idea about. You worry so much about your image and how people see you that you’re blind to how you really are with people. You show one face to the public and another privately. All the people that you call friends would be surprised to know what you’ve said about them behind their backs. You tried to isolate me from anyone who wanted to know me. Warning me to watch out for this person and telling me not to trust that person. You’d get upset if any attention was taken away from you but yet you claimed you didn’t want it anyway. You teased about my not liking to be touched. Even though you know why. You put me in awkward positions having me ask other people for things for you. Never mind if it was uncomfortable to me or not. You even had the nerve to get upset about my grieving and the depression. Claiming there was never a good time for you to talk about things and I said I was sorry and I was. I was sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. Sorry I couldn’t be the person you wanted me to be. So I stepped back. I told you from the beginning that I never wanted to be the reason you didn’t find yourself.  I was foolish and naïve enough to believe you when you said there were no strings or expectations.  I was foolish enough to believe that we could still be friends afterwards. You don’t work that way and maybe no relationships work that way Idk. But you have this all or nothing mentality and it actually makes me sad for you because you’re going to miss out on so many people because if they disagree with you or tell you no you’ll claim that they’re invalidating you and placing their own comfort above your wants and needs but I think I realize that at some point everyone has to think of themselves first and maybe that’s wrong but you seemed to think it was ok for you too. So…

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10/15/21 8:45

I’m not trying to paint the picture that I’m perfect either. I know I have alot of faults and flaws but I try to walk gently in other peoples lives. It weighs heavy on my heart to know that things I’ve done or said hurt someone.  There were times I should have been more considerate – more thoughtful. You said I should have been more upfront with you. I tried – I did but as soon as I would start to say something you didn’t like you got defensive and turned on yourself and claimed it was because you were toxic – a bad person who made bad choices and decisions. Now I wonder if you were trying to manipulate the situation. Like you did with Logan – telling him you updated your will – what was that all about? Because to the way he put it – it was out of the blue. Was that to make me think that I hurt you so bad that you thought about ending your life? What if I had told you in the first months you disappeared I thought the same thing? Idk – sometimes I think you tried to manipulate alot of things with me

We used to talk for hours – sitting up until the early hours of the morning. I loved every minute of it – I thought you did too – so to hear you say you spent hours talking to me the way you did – the context of it – well – I’m sorry you feel I was a waste of your time. I’m sorry I was an inconvenience to you

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12:00

As I sit here choking down lunch I don’t want – typing words to be read by strangers I realize how pathetic I am to let all of the bother me. Your closure was just to hurt. Why else would you say there was a part of me that scared you? Because it was my biggest fear and I was foolish enough to share it with you. Oh at the time you said all the right things – that would never happen. There’s nothing scary about you – you said and laughed. And I know I would never intentionally hurt someone physically. I’m not violent. Yes sometimes I will verbally stick up for myself but physically – I’d never lift a finger. But you made me sound like a monster. And I never – my god I never hurt anyone. It makes me physically sick to think about you saying that and you knew it would make me withdraw and keep to myself. And I did. I don’t talk with people like I used to. I watch everything I say. You used every secret I had against me. It’s like I handed you the keys to my own destruction and you don’t even show any remorse.  You bragged about your ability to eviscerate people with your words. I even witnessed it a few times and I felt bad for those people because they didn’t deserve it. I guess I never thought I would be on the receiving end – boy was I wrong

And I’m afraid – a part of me is terrified of you finding this space I took to write down these things because I know that as hard as I’m trying to put myself back together – you would destroy me. With a smile on your face and a song in your heart – now that – that is scary

10/16/21

She told me she had a similar diagnosis and maybe she did but had better control. I wonder sometimes if it was just to get close to me. She spent so much time reading psychology books. Idk. I don’t like thinking that way about her or anyone really. My therapist says that there’s a good chance she’s a narcissist but – and there’s allways a but – maybe its just me. Maybe I just brought out the worst in her. Maybe I really am that bad of a person as she said. Maybe I am the monster I allways feared I was and I’ve fooled myself and others into thinking otherwise. She just got close enough to see the truth. Idk. Today Idk what to think. My head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another and Idk which to believe because they both seem like deceivers

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10/18/21 12:42

There’s times I can get you out of my head and other times where I’m like a dog with a bone. I’m told I keep going over things because I’m trying to make sense of it all – honestly Idk.  I guess in some ways you’re like a puzzle and I’m still trying to figure out how all the pieces go together. You said you wonder how many times you’re the victim or the villain of the story. I guess it all depends on who’s telling it? When you tell the story you’re the victim. You’re allways the victim – even with your old friends. Usually I’m the villain – I make a good villain I guess. My family seems to think so too. But I honestly don’t think I deserved what you put me through – not this time. There was so much going on at the time. You knew there was so much going on. The stress was amazing – so you pick that time to start giving ultimatums. I’ve learned all about projection and deflection and baiting. All those little handy terms – so it’s funny when you say things like you’ve decided that you don’t like labels – unless of course it’s something you can use to your benefit

You claimed you had the same diagnosis as me – until all of a sudden – you didn’t have it anymore. It magically went away. At first I was kind of in awe I guess. Like – wow that’s great! With no help from a therapist or anything but then it sort of seemed alittle unbelieveable and a part of me thought wait a minute – you went from totally losing your shit one day – to all better the next. Like seriously -halleluiah ! Praise Jesus and pass the peas – a miraculous cure. When I asked you about it – like seriously what’s your secret – you said something along the lines of just being over it. Is it really that easy? Because I’ve tried ignoring things and it just seems to make it worse the more I try to ignore things. Tbh -you never really seemed to understand what I deal with. The chaos that goes on in my head and you added to it more times then I ever cared to share with you because like I said before – right away you started telling me how toxic you were and just an all around bad person. You used to ask why I wanted to be with you and in all honesty I really did enjoy your company. We had fun. We used to be able to talk to each other about anything and everything but you were jealous of alot of things. The way people would talk to me and open up – you wanted them to do that with you and it upset you that they didn’t. Your tone would change. It’s funny in a way because you said that it was what drew you to me – the way I talk with people – the way I check in with them. I drew you to me by being me and then you wanted me to change from being me to who you wanted me to be.  Which I guess you kind of got your way with that because I’m not the same person I was when we met. I keep more to myself – I spend less time talking with people and I am so very careful about things I say. You taught me that anything I say can and possibly will be used against me. So I keep most of my thoughts and feelings more to myself. I try not to ask anyone for anything. I keep my secrets to myself. Which in some ways is kind of sad because I was just starting to talk about the past more – starting to feel some acceptance of myself. Here I think is alittle more safe because – I can allways delete all this. Here I am an unknown face and name behind a screen. Allthough I did joke with someone last week about if you were to find me here lol -Hopefully you don’t because – well you were starting to become alittle bit of a stalker here and there

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10/20/21

I had an epiphany yesterday. That little light bulb moment and I’m trying to hold onto it

Anxiety is pretty high today and I’m not really sure why – I mean I have some idea’s and a memory of something that happened but – Idk – my thoughts want to scatter today. I lost some chunks of time today and I’m not sure where it went. I miss hanging out at the old places I frequented but I kind of feel like that unwanted house guest now. Guess it’s because I know what you think of me – so I figure everyone else feels the same. I used to write or type I guess all sorts of things more  but it doesn’t seem wise to do that anymore – so I keep all this shit inside and some of it’s acidic ya know? It eats away at you and weighs you down.   It’s hard to not pull away from everything. To just disconnect from the world and I don’t really want to do that. Not like before – but it’s hard and Idk if I can find any middle ground. It’s like I am waging war on myself – with myself

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10/22/21

I realize now that you can’t see things from anyone else’s perspective but your own. You say you can relate to things people say but I don’t think you ever do fully. You can associate to it but not understand it – if that makes any sense. I’m not sure why I didn’t see it before. I’m not sure either why it doesn’t make me feel any better about the way things ended. Maybe because you had your say and I didn’t fire anything back?  It should feel better knowing that nothing I could ever say or do can help you see things from where I am and I wonder if it has to do alittle with the fact that you’re allways the victim – everytime – Idk

When you decide something – you decide it for everyone and everyone else is supposed to know all this before you have to tell them because when you have to tell them – you get angry about it. And I see all this stuff now and I wonder – maybe I did see all this and chose to ignore it – or hell Idk – maybe I was in denial because in many ways you’re alot like her.  You could be so sweet but there’s a coldness to you when you have to deal with people that you feel did you wrong – anyone who made you look less then what you want. Anytime I talked about anyone else – you had something bad to say about them – whether you really knew them or not. Your jealousy is amazing tbh and at times I was kind of in shock by what you would say about them.  There’s a list of people you put in their place because they messed with your image – I’m just the latest casuality. The problem is – I’m not like the other people you did this to. There’s more involved with me then just me – maybe that’s why it still hurts sometimes

I’m not the same person I was when we met – I’d like to find that person again – before you walked into my life. Yeah – I was a wreck then but I think I liked myself alittle better then I have lately – especially after you made me out to be a worse monster then I allways thought I was – I need to let that go somehow – so maybe the me I was will find their way back

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10/26/21

You worm your way inside my brain and make me think everything is about you too. Depressed – you. Anxious – you. Wanna drink – you. Cut – you.  Lonely – you. I try not to think that I’m the big loser you painted me to be – some days it’s harder. Some days it’s so frustrating because I feel like tearing myself apart to find the broken pieces. To fix them or rip them out and I can’t find the words to explain everything I’m thinking – everything that I’m feeling. I couldn’t with you and you knew more about me than anyone else. How could anyone else? How can I trust anyone else to let them know more? How can I trust someone else – when I’m not even sure I can trust myself? How do I make this chaos make sense?

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11/1/21

I remember the one day you decided out of the blue to get a dog. She was 2 I think and she was so pretty. I can even remember here name. But she was a herding dog and you’ve got kids and it was a recipe for disaster. You said she was nipping at them when they ran around and I tried to explain why she was doing that. You thought she’d just need to be trained and it’s not that easy because she wasn’t a puppy anymore. It would take work. But then three days after getting her – you said you had to give her back because one of the kids was having allergic reactions to her. Seemed like a blessing in disguise tbh – which sounds really bad I guess but I was so worried one of the kids would get bit. She wasn’t a bad dog – just not the right one for your situation.  We talked quite a while about the kid being allergic and it seemed to make sense to wait until he was older to maybe try again. I mean you had cats so – maybe he would outgrow a dog allergy. Imagine my surprise when you got another dog over the weekend. This one was younger and so sweet. Kind of shy and timid. You said you told them about the one kid’s allergy and said that they told you that if she was washed regularly and groomed that he might not have trouble. You had her for about two weeks for a trial thing. In that time you started complaining about her chasing the cats and that she had a few accidents in the house and that she seemed jumpy. We talked about things to do to make her feel more at ease. How to give her more time to do her business outside and it seemed like it was working out ok but then after you had allready signed the papers to adopt her and paid for her – you said she was constantly peeing in the house and you were frantic about it. Then bingo – the one kid started having an allergic reaction to her and you decided that you had to give her back. Two weeks after having her and now the kid has a reaction? Never took the kid to the doctor or ER even though you said it was really bad. Which seemed odd I guess but they’re your kids. Turns out then that she wasn’t the one peeing in the house – it was the cat – as you found out later. So now – I guess I wonder – were you yelling at her? Was that why she was so timid? Was it just too much work having her?  Dogs aren’t cats – cats are alittle more independent. I guess I just wonder now – if that’s why you gave her back – because it was too much work for you. And you know – both times I was supportive when you had to give them up – because it was for the best for the kids. I wanted to bad to ask you what you were thinking getting the one after the first. But I couldn’t because you would have gotten upset.  Allergies wouldn’t just go away – why were you so desperate to have a dog? You hadn’t owned a dog since you were a kid.  I wonder now if it was because I had dogs – maybe that’s wrong – but  the thought is there. I guess looking back on this now – I see alot more then I did at the time. You jumped into something but it turned out to be more then you bargained for – more work then you wanted. You made a commitment and then when it got to be too much for you – you let it go. I wonder now too – if that’s basically what you did with me. When my depression got to be too much and I was stepping back – you saw it as a chance to let it go. Maybe that’s why you couldn’t quite seem to grasp how bad it felt when we had to put our dog down. She was loyal – she was our friend – she was our family – we had made a commitment to her and we honored those commitments. But I don’t think you understand that. I don’t think you understand honor and integrity – for all your talk of  both – I really don’t think you do at all

Tbh – I’m not sure why this has been stuck in my head – but I guess it helps me figure things out – they say writing is good for that – even the therapist lol – He’s constantly telling me to write things out – if that’s how it helps process it – and I suppose in some ways it does. Gives a voice to the chaos

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11/2/21

I feel like a fool sometimes. The fact that you take up so much space in this head. The fact that so much thought is spent on you. It’s painfully obvious that any chance for any reconciliation has long since past. Your actions and words at the end made it perfectly clear. You had to know the impact of your parting words because they touched on every insecurity, every weakness. Everything you knew, you used to inflict damage. I wonder…. Did it make you feel better about yourself? Are you able to look yourself in the eye and justify what you did? I think I would actually be surprised if any of this bothered you at all.  Yes, there were mistakes on this end. Many mistakes. You… you gave your word though and then you broke it. Everything you said you wouldn’t do, you did, yet you claim to be the victim. You have no idea, absolutely no idea at all …….. how much you’ve fed the monsters.

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11/4/21

Some days there’s this weight to everything. The thoughts and feelings are just too much. Sometimes the emotions that seem to come out of no where threaten to drown me and It’s like your words have been burned inside my skull I don’t even have to read them anymore – I know them by touch alone. It makes me angry sometimes because I think you knew exactly what you were doing when you said everything you did – it’s like you hit the off switch and you shut me down and I’m just on life support. And I have searched myself and I have a hard time finding anything good inside anymore.  Idk – maybe it’s not anger – it’s just hurt – because you just repeated all the messages I’ve heard my whole life. Each word was a blow and I’m struggling to get to my feet this time and I think maybe the therapist is right and there is some trauma bond thing going on. Like I needed something else to deal with – f**k me

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11/8/21

I’m struggling. With everything right now. I struggle to even admit that. I’m struggling to explain what I’m thinking – with what I’m feeling. I type and delete. Everything. It’s like I have a gag order on myself. It’s frustrating. I’m allowing myself to drift further away from people. Idk – how to stop

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11/22/21

Been keeping quiet. I guess because it feels like I’m just beating a dead horse as the saying goes. I did get a laugh this morning though cruising the internet.  I came across a site that has the bitter truth about each zodiac’s sign and what they hate hearing about themselves. And yours was so  amazingly true!  *you’re often wrong because you refuse to see others’ perspective*  Now that is one of the most honest things I’ve seen in a while.

You’re toxic – I know this now. And this new relationship you’re in – will end like everything else you touch. The thing that frustrates me the most is I think deep deep down I knew it but I was just so happy to have someone in my life. Someone I thought I could trust – someone I thought I could be myself with. The thing is – your parting words left me feeling toxic – you made me feel like – nothing and I have been struggling to find my way back to myself. You hit on every insecurity I have – everything you knew about me you used against me.

I came across something you had said to someone else earlier today. About sharing things and how immature you think  it is. Seemed alittle off because I know older people that share their thoughts and feelings too – so when did you become so self righteous?  You verbally eviscerate anyone who questions your vision of yourself. You show no remorse afterwards. You accused me of saying you were toxic before – I didn’t. I remember my words – I said maybe you are but that at times I probably am too. But I take that back –  you are toxic and your past shows it. That’s why you were so nervous when people were looking at your past comments – because the truth was right there – just waiting to be found. It’s why every time you go off on someone and they leave you deleted your words – so there was no evidence. But with me? Oh those words have to stand for eternity – why? – because I didn’t leave. I didn’t let you win by my leaving and then you came back under a disguise. Did it piss you off that I found you out so quick? I know you’re back now too – hiding. People probably think I’m paranoid but I have really good intuition when it comes to finding people. And I have to be careful because a part of me really wants to play with you. To teach you a lesson about how to treat people but – I hold that part back because that’s not who I am.    Besides – Karma will deal with you

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11/22/21 2:37

But god you fucked with my head and it’s so stupid – why can’t I get you out of my fucked up head? It’s like you’re a ghost living in there – constantly haunting me

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12/3/21

There is more to life than you. I enjoy doing things for people. For some people – the smallest things can mean the most. Half of the things I’ve done for people – they don’t even know about. Maybe hat I’ve done wouldn’t even be important to them – maybe it was just important to me. But it was never enough with you – there allways needed to be more and more and more. I left many good people walk out of my life because of you – because of your jealousy – because all my free time was given to you and you still complained. Even when you knew everything I was dealing with. But you are who you are and unless you admit to yourself the things that you do are wrong and work towards changing them – you will continue to repeat and you’ll never find true happiness – you might in the moment but it will never last

_______________________________________________________________________02/16/22

I haven’t been here for awhile. I thought I had all this over and done with but every time I do – you show back up. You think I didn’t know but I did. You said alot of cruel things about me – claiming you were just expressing your feelings – but I wasn’t allowed to express mine at all according to you.  When they didn’t get a reaction you left again only to come back a month later and tried just focusing on what you did wrong but even then – it was still aimed at me and it’s like you knew things were starting to get better for me.  You still don’t worry about anyone else’s feelings – their needs and wants are comforts in your eyes. You really taught me alot. Ya know? I keep my mouth shut about alot of things now. I try not to talk about the anxiety I get. I keep the depression to myself. Hell I don’t even talk about the grief. I try to keep a distance between myself and everyone else. I know I have issues – I know I have alot of problems – but damn did you have to add fuel to each one? I get so nervous talking about you – even thinking about you – how messed up is that?  For the longest time I thought I was angry with you – just so angry all the time. But I realize that it’s not anger – it’s hurt. I know it was my choice to take that step back but you couldn’t see or maybe you did see what you were doing to me. The controlling – everything I did seemed to piss you off. The boundaries you over stepped and then getting upset when I called you out on it. And you saying how toxic you were – I know it was just manipulation. The thing is – we were friends – you were my best friend first – my only friend and that’s gone. I really did like hanging out with you – it really was the highlight of my day. God I told you that all the time didn’t I? I meant it. And yet – I still miss you. But I don’t talk about that anywhere either

7/11/22

You return again. This time with an apology. Why? Why now after all this time? After all the other things you’ve said, now you want to give what is supposed to be a heartfelt apology? Now you want to talk? I cant help but wonder about your intentions, your motives. Are you sincere? Or are you to trying to ease you conscience? There was quite a few passive aggressive comments scattered through out your apology. How can you think that we would share anything with you? Who would willingly share any thoughts or feeling with you after you used them as weapons before? For someone who claims to not want to stir things up, you certainly know how to do just that.

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01/23/23

Your apology was shit. If I talk you get angry. If I don’t talk you get angry. You get angry if I talk about not talking.  I genuinely think you’re a narcissist. For as understanding and relatable as You claim to be of everyone you just can’t seem to see my side. Yes what you said to me affected me. You admitted you knew it would but you can’t seem to seem to grasp that I’m struggling. You literally assassinated my character

It sounds horrible to say this but I find it funny when you talk about your values. You talk about giving back but you have stipulations and expectations in place and when people don’t or can’t meet them you bail

And now you’re planning on making another exit and blaming me for this one too. Never mind that I just try to avoid you. I don’t talk about you at all but in your mind – maybe that’s the problem? You make threats to feed the anxiety. Threats of how as much as you say you have so much that you don’t say. That goes both ways. I didn’t tell anyone how you were jealous of everyone I talked to. How you tried to isolate me and talked bad about everyone. How you would get mad of the way people talked with me a certain way but they didn’t you. I was slowly getting quieter and quieter. Nothing I ever did was right and it’s still not. The sad thing – I don’t think you’re done yet. I really think you want to destroy anything I might have left. Then and only then will you be happy