It's been a couple of weeks since I poured my random, unrelated thoughts out into a blog for you to enjoy and at this point in time I declare that my mind is full so I must empty it.
Things have been-interesting- lately. I started a new job recently and that brings with it a host of new things to be anxious about. Things as simple as having to take a different street to get to the office are hard for me to adjust to. Sounds rediculous, but I used to go east on 42nd, then north on 7th until I reached work, now I take a different route to a different job and that causes anxiety on a daily basis. Why? I don't pretend to understand what's going on in my head. As previously mentioned, I am not in control most of the time and these thoughts / feelings are being force fed to me as if by some outside force. I know, I know, I'm in control of me blah blah blah. It doesn't currently feel that way. Years of CBT, and I just don't have the energy.
Having comorbid bipolar and OCD has been a challenge; and I'm not learning to cope as I'd like. I go from moments of greatness to deep depression seemingly numerous times a day. Lately, there has been quite a bit of outside stress making it more and more difficult.
Connor, my 9yr old son is currently going through an assessment for OCD; and the initial reports are that he does, in fact, have it. He's a very nervous kid, he picks at his skin a lot lately, and has many "quirks". it all seems too familiar. Only this time, I get to see it in my son, and now I carry the burden of responsibility.
Then there's my marriage to my wife… She puts up with so much from my illnesses. She -tries- to support me as best as she can. That said, she blames my illness(es) for most of the problems in the marriage and has been drifting further and further away lately. The worst part is, I don't seem to care. I'm done fighting, I'm done discussing. I'm done. I feel as though I have relinquished control and have given up. I'm back on my mood stabilizers, back on my benzos, back on the SSRI….. and still I'm spiraling. I've tried to stop but it doesnt work. So I self medicate with alcohol, every night from the time I get home from work till bedtime. I know I shouldnt… I've been down this road before and it resulted in weeks in the hospital and 3 months of outpatient. I don't have the energy for that right now; besides I have that new job to tend to.
This is turning into one deep, dark, rant and I apologize for that (despite being told by some of my closest friends to stop apologizing). Really, my intent in writing this blog was to talk about the fact that my OCD symptoms have been ramping up and it turned into a stream of consciousness that is boring even to me.