I feel like doing another blog, though I really don't know what to do it about.

Well, I start 6th form college on Monday. I'm trying to hide it, but i'm so nervous. I've always been bad at going to school. I hated high school and i am so, so, so desperate for this to work out. OCD caused so many problems in high school and I really want a new start. A clean slate. In the last few months, I have lost my four closest friends. But I did make better, new friends. My confidance grew and I felt happier. I had a bad time. A very bad time. I did something I regretted and cut my wrists. It was reckless. I always wondered why people had done it, but it did help, I felt alot better. Afterwards though, I couldn't believe i'd done what i'd despised other kids at school for doing. And the horrible marks. They disgusted me. I was careful to cover for them. I was terrified they wouldn't heal, but they did. My dad had told me if I ever did it, he'd take me out of school, when he'd said that, i'd laughed and swore i never would. But things change. I don't know why I did it. Did I hope he'd see and lose and take me out of school? No. I don't think that was it. Was I just part crazy and depressed? Yes. I think so. Anyway, they healed. And I never did it again. I was tempted again, when I lost my fourth friend for no apparent reason. But I remembered how i'd felt last time and I didn't do it. But anyway, I want college to be different.

I want to fit in. I want to be normal. People will know about my OCD and there's nothing I can do to change that. Since they've already been told due to my own poor judgement in trusting one single person. I forgive that person though. Maybe she did me a favour.

Problem is, I'll have no friends. None of my newly made friends are going to the same place. And I am so scared. I am, well crap at making friends. I was diagnosed with S.A.D. which is social anxiety disorder, i'm not really sure what it is exactly. But I worry too much, hate crowds and am very paranoid, for good reason, due to my past experiences.

I'm just so bad at speaking to new people. I'm only really myself with good friends and family, and even then i'm quiet.

I'm scared i'll lose what little confidance that i do now have. I couldn't stay at my school 6th form college though, since i considered it dirty (OCD thing) and my 'old friends' were there ( I don't want to think of them as enemies).

What do I do? I'm panicing now.