Hello there, I am able to write here because of feeling a little better today compared to other days of suffering.

I will start with some of my funny and embarassing past.

In my final school years my body weight rocketed in the 100s because of overeating, not going out much and just gaming all day so I became one of the obese people, well I was always quite tall for my age and even now I am around 6 so I had this habit of taking my belly in forcefully and it showed my body figure better overall for that time being.

In my second year of college I reduced my weight from around 100 kgs to around 80kg. One of the reasons was a girl I ended up falling for after seeing her in canteen for the first time while I was chatting with her classmates (my juniors) and I proposed her on instagram after thinking about her for a few days(well back then I was full of confidence) after which i got a little serious and started gym immediately and rest you know.

Well I checked my inbox daily for a few weeks in hopes of getting a reply from her even if it was a negative reply but she didnt seem to care much and I slowly ended up reducing my weight(I look quite handsome now :3) but maybe after that I lost a bit confidence in myself.

I was a 3rd year college student when I first met this thing called high anxiety. I used to play competitive fps game since my first year and in those games you can talk on mic with your teammates to share information and just talk anything. There was a habit of mine of making my voice sound sexier and kinder over the mic and people really liked my voice also. Well that worked fine until 2019 came into my life. I really dont know what triggered it but my life went upside down since then.

I was playing my usual competitive game when i started feeling a lump in my throat due to anxiety which led to extreme throat pain and breathing issues while talking to people on mic (might have come due to the fear of not making the voice i want to on mic or fear of talking i am still not sure about that) and it used to get better by lying down or chewing on some gum while talking on mic for some days until they both stopped working aswell (I dont talk on mic anymore and when I have to do I really force myself because its me who have to go through the throat pain and breathing issues in the end) . I dont remember anymore about back then now because that issue now feels like a pebble in front of the mountain I am facing today.

Progressing with the story, it didn’t limit itself to mic talks and my lump throat and breathing issues came into my daily life while talking with people, I started forcing myself to talk with my friends and family while carrying the pain and lump in my throat but I guess the result wasn’t that good. My voice would sound anxious sometimes because of the high anxiety which is there for me whole day. After that slowly and slowly my body became one with anxiety and now you can also call me a anxious body or a anxious man maybe haha (I used to be a very chill, fun, interactive and somewhat talkative person before this high anxiety thing). Do you know that if you are on high anxiety all the time you cannot do anything or even enjoy what you are doing. Well I didn’t know aswell but thats what started happening with me soon. I wasn’t able to study, eat, drink, shit, pee, talk, enjoy, masturbate and also breathe properly, well I still am the same but I met my savior after a few months of high anxiety that is OCD. In my case it was compulsive thinking, I started to think unnecessary things which helped me get some relief from the high anxiety and I was able to perform slightly better in my daily life activities but that all is temporary. It’s gonna come back again as soon as my rhythm is destroyed or I get my high anxiety back somehow. In my opinion in OCD you feel like you are controlling your body all the time but it’s actually the other way round.

Normally for people anxiety comes because of stress, insecurity, new situations etc. But for people like me we are highly anxious even while sleeping and we also wake up with anxiety.

I don’t know if there are others like me in this world because I can’t think of anyone suffering so much everyday who would be able to tell about themselves to others if they don’t have a less-anxiety day like me. If there is anyone like me reading my post please reply to me because I think talking to someone like me will really help.

Finally please help me o kind person if you know how can I move forward with this life without relying on doctors, pills and just willpower alone. I also want to heal my constant anxiety if it’s possible at all.

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