I called this blog getting deeper because i feel like i am getting deeper and deeper in a fat black hole that gets bigger. I havent been feeling good lately, kind of depressed i think. Everyone keeps saying things cant get worse but they do,something bad will occur then something worse. And its like it isnt just one thing, its so many. Ocd obviously is a problem, i now have to go to councelling with my family because apparently ‘they need to understand’, but to be honest, i can only see it ending badly. Then there is school which I hate and dread going back to after the easter holidays, homework is so hard, i have to force myslef to touch it. I start crying randomly, then ill go to the bathroom, my mascara running down my cheeks, and ill put on loud music and turn on all the taps washing my hands over and over, trying to drain out all the horrid scary inevitable thoughts. I hate feeling like its my responsibility, why should it be?! Then there is my mum and dad who wont leave me alone, nagging and asking me how i am which means i have to lie, but they keep asking about school, and i lie, i say everything is fine and that im fine. I dont tell them what i think, i dont do that anymore. I had a dream last night, and these two girls who are nasty to me, well i stuck up to them and i felt great, i feel so close to snapping, breaking beyond repair. Sometimes i wonder things, things i shouldnt even think about and i worry what i will do. I just try and make it through one day at a time. I keep hoping things will get better, but i doubt it, things only get worse including OCD, i can feel it. And i think soon, i wont be able to go out. I prefer being on my own so i cant be hurt, i have to make myself go out with my so called mates. I am just so exhausted and even now i feel bad saying this, because sure i have a family, i have a nice home, most things i need but i dont have the other things i want like happiness, real friends, to not have to be made to do things, to be able to relax and not worry about every single possible possibility. I hate so many things. I am beginning to feel sick at the thought of going to school, i wish i could be home schooled. I am already counting down the days till i leavve, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. I want to go far away when im 16 and finish high school. I want to forget, i want to start new fresh, but i dont know how. Im scared of the future and i dont think things can get better till school does cause that seems to be the root of most of the problems, but i dont think it ever will, i have waited 5 years and it hasnt, it just got worse and then, so did ocd and then ocd makes school worse and harder too. I just want to cry most of the time and scream and shout.. Anyway, sorry i go on but at least i can say it on here, its the only way i can. x .


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