My Friday was shity out begging for food which would follow with a shity weekend of trying to fing someone to give me a ride to the store which never happened, so I watched my mom do without what she needed. Maybe tomorrow will be better, its Monday and I'll probably get to go to the store, but of course there won't be enough foodstamps to make it through the month and no money for necessities, but almost 3 yrs. later I'm still hearing how things will get better asI sit here with no electricity in my part of the house, no job, no way to get medical help, no car, no love , no dreams, just raw survival, sometimes I dream of horrible things, think of the injustice of poverty brought on by love, by saving his worthless life, by being a good friend, by not using people, its a cruel and shity world I live in. Oh yeah, I'm always hearing how things will get better, how wonderful I am, what a surviver I am, 2 yrs and 8 months later, alot of good any of that's done me.
I cannot begin to explain the desperation I feel and on so many levels, how I feel used by love and then discarded like trash. I feel trapped, so trapped, I can't even get to the grocery store, let alone dream of taking a drive, waking up to go to work, going to a movie, decorating for the holidays.
I want out, I want my pain to end, but it just won't go away…
I long to be free….to be me…..
I realize there will be no one to love, me to save me, to help me, to change my world. I'm damaged and will be poision to whom ever comes into my life.
They'll come and they'll go and i will become a meer shell, used up with nothing left.
I'm homeless, without anything. Its not depression, its just the hard facts.