I suddenly feel compelled to smash my head against this desk. Inside I feel hopeless and depressed. I have wanted to cry a lot, but I refuse. I held it all in. This was not the me that woke up. I woke up full of energy, ready to play with my nephew, and eager for just an overall good day. Once my dad was awake though all of that was squashed. Literally.
My youngest sister had to go back to college today after her long Christmas break. They left after dropping my other sister off at work. Well during the time my mom took to go by the store and drop my sister off I managed to get my nephew to lay down for a nap. My dad got mad at me for having him take a nap. After about thirty to forty minutes I was going to wake him up because lately he had been taking too long of naps and was staying up too late at night. My dad got mad at me then for even considering it. Then the dog, Claire, a Chihuahua/Maltese mix, barked when mom pulled into the drive. She ran over the baby, who was laying on dad''''s bed at the time, to get to the door, waking my one year old nephew of course. My dad acted like he wanted to kill her then told us "kids" to throw the dog outside. I went to pick the dog up and carry her outside but she started to nip at me so I held her down at the base of her neck until she seemed okay. My youngest sister told me not to hold her like that by the back of the neck. One: I was not holding her up, I simply held her in place on the floor for a few seconds. Two: She needed some discipline because she knows way better than that.
Well after we got her outside Dad came flying into the room looking like he was ready to knock me into the floor. He asked me how I was holding his dog. I told him exactly what I did and walked right past him to my laptop. My dad stood there for a few minutes opening and closing his fists then went back to his room. He told my mom that the only reason I wanted to wake my nephew was because I did not want to babysit my nephew. Which is a load of b.s. I love watching my nephew and I generally watch him all the time even when I am not getting paid to babysit. After mom and dad left, I laid in the floor with with my nephew. While he was playing I shed a few tears then pushed them away and started cleaning the house by myself. However, I think my nephew picked up on how I felt because he wanted me to keep laying in the floor with him. Lord knows no one else in this place is gonna do anything. Ever since then he has snapped at me for every little thing. Just a little while ago, at dinner I was in the same room with him. He set my nephew down at his little table and told me to watch him and no sooner had the words came out of his mouth did he yell my name, like I had not heard him at all. Not to mention, when he is not yelling at me, he acts like there is nothing wrong, like he stole all of those good feelings I had when I woke up and can only maintain them if he can ensure that I am feeling miserable.
To make my day, I realized something about myself. I started to want to eat more while I was upset. I had to force myself to stay out of the kitchen once it dawned on me.
My boyfriend, was online and I was talking to him via Skype at the time all that happened earlier then suddenly out of nowhere he just declared he was going to bed. That was fine. I knew he was tired because he got up really early this morning to take a test, but still, to have him just cut me off, it felt… like having all the already torn pieces of my soul being shredded even more. I probably should not have felt that way, but I did.
I wish I could tell the world how crushed I feel all the time. I have no reason to even be alive as I see it except to be the one being people can place blame or hate on at the moment. I know this one blog does not explain away years of what I have had to deal with but I hope it gives you some idea. I mean imagine living this way on a daily basis where everything you do is wrong and everyone hates you for it. No matter what choice I make it is still wrong and will fail big time. Even when I know what I am doing and I know for a fact that I am right, the people around me tell me it is wrong and pressure me into giving up. Like the stories I write, everyone has a problem with me writing but I do not understand why. Because of this I have never really had any ambition nor time to finish anything I have started. It really sucks.