good morning.. i first off want to thank the people who posted on my last blog. thanks for the help =) so i went to the meeting las night, my friend brad was speaking for the first time, which was awesome to be there for him. i really enjoyed his message too, but i couldn't share since it wasn't open discussion ya know…lol anyways i talked to my sponser probably 4 times yesterday. yea. on top of alll the insanity already going on, the paranoia and nightnares, and allll that, ugh some idiot i was serving/ringing up at the register the other day askes me if i wanted a cig? i was like whatever. after he leaves, i realize it's a JOINT ! it had a fliter looking cigarette look going on lol some crazy shit that i have never seen before. i smelled it hahaha it was good shit ya know. i didn't smoke it though.. yay for me =) i gave it to my friend who works up the road. i was like take it from me now….i hate pot. i've relapsed on it a few times… i know stupid me….lol it makes me paranoid as fuck! there's no way i could have smoked it. it was the day i wrote the last blog complaining about paranoia in the first place….anyways….nightmares are still there man….i'm convinced it's this damn birthcontrol my doc. gave me so i'm going to to the doc. today to explain how it's affecting me. i already deal with anxiety and all that, and this crap is trippling what's already there. i had the scariest dream EVER last night. lol i woke up at like 5am so scared. i had a dream i was in a house all alone and crazy ghosts and encounters were happening, it was like a freakin horror movie man. i was like oh lordy fuck this hahaha then i went back to sleep and had another vivid dream… i already dream in colors so these dreams look like movies because i remember them like it's happening. if i stay on this birthcontrol i'm going to kill meh self. i'm all disoriented and shit, i had to leave work early yesterday because i was trippin out. and i had an anxiety attack after the meeting las night i waslike peace out. lol i'm not liking this…my mind is tripping me out!!! so like… my sponser is picking me up in 2 hours to help me with the things my mother told me she would do… take my drivers test and go to the doc. my mom was like i'll do one of the other , i'm not taking you to both she said. she's very sick i think. she doesn't even love me, and i feel sorry for her for some odd reason. i think she raised me to feel sorry for her, she's an active acoholic (sp) … yea.anyways i'm writing crazy stuff….also this is interesting. i've been talking to a girl lately…we were going to the movies tonight, and she stayed the other night…. it's kinda making me think ya know… i know i'm bi, but i think it's soooo so so hard to be bi because i get soconfused. i'm like do i like guys or girls? ya know… i like both, but i jus wish i could like one and not the other….lol it gets to me sometimes….. yea….anyways…i promised myself i'd do the last 3 questions in a section of my step this morning….so i can't break my promise …peace =)