i had this idea that when I get better not cured but better we would have a normal and amazing relationship with less problems and just enjoy life together a bit more
well that is not what happened, instead i joined his lifelong youth group sea cadts, and I found my confidence and self worth, now he somehow sees me as this amazing person because I do loads of amazing things with them to a really high standard, and I seem to do it effortlessly! and that is making him feel like crap and that he isnt good enough!he says he is intimidated by how amazing and together i am – me – together? do they really belong in the same sentence when I have major depression!
He feels ashamed by how he cant handle the money problems we have and how he keeps making them worse and then he feels bad because he knows it adds to my depression and anxiety and stress but then his male ego gets in the way and wont let me help him out in any way not even to work out how bad it is, or find a solution!!! god he is annoying!
i know its not his fault, and he cant help feeling like this, and I really want to help him but I just dont think i can support his depression whilst battling mine daily! because it is a daily battle, and he doesnt help and I really am at my wits end and I told him if things dont change then I will leave and I am now strong enough to do that, but it really is the last thing I wnt!
I dont know what to do. I feel so let down by him. I feel so guilty about not being able to give him what he needs. I feel so guilt and that its my fault he has depression, because he lived with me and my depression for 2 years where i lashed out at him and said horrible things to him because I didnt the support i was hoping for – i feel this has caused his depression! I feel like I have broken him and ruined this wonderful man!! I feel like its all my fault. I always feel like that, even when its not my fault! I feel so hopeless. I wish he was ok, i wish i didnt make him feel so crap – and I wonder if it will ever be possible for us both to feel great at the same time, or if me being happyand sucessful will cause his depression and in turn cause mine to come back and cause us to self destruct???? what do i do – i cant keep treading water – I need things to change. I want support from him, and i want him to feel good about himself!
Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading it. I hope you are all well, take care xx