Two years ago this week, I married my wife. When she and I met, I was not in a bad place with OCD. I had stopped taking meds, largely because I have not had much luck with them but also because the OCD was manageable and I have been working for years on controlling it. I did warn her on more than one occasion that it comes in waves, and when the stress gets turned up, I can go into a spell where it flares up pretty bad. How can anyone prepare for it though? There was no way to warn her just how bad it can be to deal with me when I’m in a bad place. Should I simply have told her that I’ll check the stove, windows, faucets, car? Should I have let her further into my dementia and explain how I would have horrendous thoughts of things happening to family members, etc? Maybe I should have told her how when it gets bad, I’ll become insanely jealous and controlling out of fear. I did not do this, because I have always been so ashamed of having OCD; so we only glanced over it.

Needless to say, it did not take long for her to notice my “quirks” as she put it at the time. It started with checking, but the checking never got very bad. With her helping me close up the house at night, I was able to get myself to bed within 10minutes. Granted, left to my own devices without her encouraging me to go to bed, I’d stand at the stove paralyzed for 20minutes only to start the process over again. Fast forward some time and OCD/Anxiety/Depression have now taken over. I’m back on meds and I feel as though my marriage is in jeopardy. My wife is the most understanding person you could ever meet, always has a smile, always wanting to help others. I feel as though my issues have completely sucked the life out of her and I absolutely hate myself for that. I feel completely worthless, and as though she would have been much better off had she never gotten involved with me. Yes that sounds like I’m crying in my own beer, but it’s not meant to…. I’m nothing if not logical, and to me it’s very black and white.

The checking isn’t the worst part; she’s been amazing with pulling me through it each night. The insecurities that I feel have consumed me, and the more the OCD takes hold, the more insecure I get; creating a viscous cycle. Some days, I come to the office and if I call her at home but get no answer, I fear she was in a terrible car accident and my mind races until I hear from her that she’s OK. Other days, I have visualizations of her with someone else. Or, I get completely consumed with the thought that I make her miserable and panic ensues. I then seek affirmation from her that this is not the case, but there is nothing she can say or do that is going to be “enough” to make me “better” when that’s going on. The anxiety is having a physical effect at this point, I’ve been to the Dr with high blood pressure / racing heartbeat and wake up feeling as though I’ve run a marathon, and all day cannot calm down no matter what I do. I project my anxiety on her, and find blame in things she does or does not do that in my mind, leaves me feeling this way. Of course it’s not her fault; I’m just in such a bad place all I can do is lash out.

When I can come up for air in a moment of clarity, I try so hard to show that there’s a man in here that loves her to death. I buy cards, flowers, make dinner, take her places, etc. It’s just so hard to get it across to someone that what they see 80% of the time just isn’t me; and it’s unfair of me to ask her to hold on to the 20% that is.

Seeing what this is doing to my relationship has me very motivated to stay on meds and get everything addressed. For the first time in 20yrs of dealing with this I’m admitting to family and friends that I even have OCD, and the fact that I’m even posting here is nothing short of a miracle for me… Unfortunately, while I’m committed to doing whatever is necessary to get proper care for this, I’m also left feeling like I’m losing my wife as a result of it all. She has been worn so thin between dealing with me and other stresses in our lives that she’s emotionally spent. Now I’m left feeling broken, with no clue as to where to go next. My heart is pounding out of my chest on an almost daily basis, and my mind is on a treadmill. Good times.