So – everytime I have had relationship this is how it ends – …..

and for days, months, weeks, years after I torture myself for making the mistake of letting someone into my life and not letting them into my heart. No-one has ever truly been there but me.

I am left with images of shadows of past boyfriends and sadness when I see who I have chosen has never been good enough, and they have never been good enough because to allow another to get that close to me ever is so frightening….so it is that I still blame myself for making the choices that I have and blame myself for wanting so desperately to have someone that loves me, rather than me love myself, that I made some pretty hideous errors of judgement…this also goes for friendships.

I have a headache, my brow is knitted in the middle and I feel low, a cold perhaps and overstressed…more anxiety and stress from these images and ask for peace and release…no more blaming myself for not letting anyone in – not everyone is trustwirthy and I, apart from some very good friends, have never met yet a man that I would trust enough to get close enough to love.

Here’s to celebrating freedom from loneliness ahead from simply saying how this feels – a fat day and a lonely fat day …I feel and even thoug it is poorly and confused, I finally know that loving myself is not the problem, it is seeing and accepting that I did not used to that hurts and affects me more than before today as I feel not well physically. It’s scary to be unwell as i work freelance, and it’s that I don;t want to admit that it gets to me, this work and this emotional stuff