I can't stop crying right now, My heart hurts so much. I'm trying no to be to loud though, Because I don't want to wake up dad or let the nurses see me like this…
I'm having a panic attack, and part of it is about all of what's going on here, But another part of it is about Ali. I think I talked about her in one of my other entry's and what happened with her….
I miss her, She's my best friend…But If I were her, I wouldn't want to be my friend either…She's pretty, and amazing and has a life. Why should she waste her time with someone like me?
Ali shouldn't have to deal with someone like me, I'm a freak. I'm always anxious, Depressed, I have those Eating disorders, The self-harm, and all my medical problems.
Not just that, But I'm just a horrible human being, I'm ugly and I would only make her look bad, I'm the opposite of her. Honestly I'm just trash. I feel that if God has ever made a mistake, His one mistake was creating myself and allowing me to breathe on this earth.
I talked to my friends Maddie and Kim today…They tried to make me feel better but I still feel so shitty, That I did something wrong and I deserve to lose Ali as my friend.
They (Kim and Maddie) even said that if I get out of the hospital this week, they want me to go to their school play since Maddie has a big role in it,
I wonder if they invite me out of pity? I always wonder now if Maddie or Kim are going to also wake up and realize what a waste of effort I am, and will they leave me behind just like Ali has?
I feel like my heart keeps getting the shit beat out of it, Being ripped up into pieces even before now, Since I was younger I've always felt that way and it never gets the chance to even act like it's okay.
I can't piece it back together or even try to hide that fact anymore.
I say this again though- I don't want people's pity! and I know that if I ever told anyone what I really feel, that's exactly what they would do! This is why I don't want to even try to trust people, I just want to hide in my room hug my dogs and cry, I rather deal with this pain in my own ways on my own, Then risk trusting someone like that again and them just leaving me behind.
I know what some of you will say "Friends come and go" But this wasn't just some friend, She was like my sister….We were like sisters or atleast I thought she felt the same…But who knows, She has a life, She's pretty and smart she deserves to be around those sort of people, Not broken pieces of trash like myself, right?
I'm not really sure what I want by writing this entry, I guess it's just to vent because I feel that i'm about to burst at the moment, But I don't think I expect actual answer at this point from people, Since they don't know what to say to me at this point either.
So…Just, ugh. Sorry for wasting everyone's time with this blog entry, and my whining, Sorry for annoying everyone, Just sorry for fucking being alive.