i would like to share my story in the hope that it might help someone out there.
i was born with glaucoma and it really damaged my eyes. i have been considered legally blind most of my life. and i now realize i have suffered depression my entire life because of it.
you cannot imagine living in the world i do sometimes.. i cant even recognize myself in the mirror most days because of my vision.
Every single thing i have to do in a day is tainted by it.
imagine if you drop something on the floor.you cant just look down and find it …best case is i can stand there for maybe 30 seconds and very slow scan the area..i might find it……..if not…..well…..get on your hands and knees and fell for it……..
the worst part for me by far is not being able to drive…
having to rely on others for every single thing i need from the outside world.
i hate feeling like a kid at 38. because even if i do have the courage to venture out sometimes.. you cant imagine the anxiety of it. i have to keep my head tilted down and wear a cap to shield my eyes from the light…sunglasses are out..i rely on contrasting colors and the sunglasses muddy that up to much…….
so at best i can watch is like 8? feet in front of me.. due to my blind spots i bump into things and knock things off shelves sometimes…it is so hard to deal with i just stopped going out unless its critical..
so that left me to sit in this room and slowly sink into a pit of depression and anxiety that almost killed me.
it was so bad at times……..there is one memory that will haunt me till i die……i loved my family to much to ever commit suicide. but i wanted to die so bad..
i was taking to many pain pills at the time to and it got really bad.. i remember one day trying to sit and play a simple cellphone type game….it was physically painful for to think hard enough to play this simple game…..i hated my life so much..i just wanted to fade out of existence..
i begged for some accident or disease to take me. i just wanted out so bad….
and it continued this way for years..one day just blurring into the next…..
until about 4 months ago. i have finally found something to drive back my darkness………….
i have started creating music…i can pour my entire soul into a piece of music. any sad thought i have i can just let it out in the music…
once i found this my entire world changed. it feels like my depression flipped 180 degrees. i can feel true joy and happiness again..
the depression and sadness are still there..but every time it tries to creep up i beat it down with my drum beats, guitar riffs and the pure joy i get from just playing…
so i know that no matter how sad i get. i can just let it all out in my music.
i can finally think straight. and thinking back on my life i have realized one thing.
with so many people trying to help me due to my sight………all i ever wanted was to be able to help.
i could not do most activity s normal people do so i could never really help with anything…i was always the one being helped…….
well now i have a chance to really help….
so to anyone suffering under the weight of this life i say this…….
people do care.. i hate to know there are still people out there that feel the way i did. my advice would be to try and find that one thing you like doing that makes you truly happy. don’t worry about what others think of you. the only persons opinion that should really matter to you is your own…i know the struggle you face everyday and i want to say please hold on…..you will find what your looking for…..it will seem like it is taking an eternity but it will happen..
just know there are people who know the kind of pain you feel