Hey, everyone… I… I don’t really know how to start this off.

My name is Madelynne, but I prefer to be called Madden… I just hate my name, it sounds too feminine for me. Not that I have anything against feminine things, they just aren’t for me, you know?…

I’m a masculine female, but I don’t really want to be female. I want to be non-binary. I think. I thought it was okay to be just masculine female, but there’s this boy I know and he always says stupid things about me being a female, so I get really disgusted with myself… Like, I hate being called “A girl” so much.

Don’t get me wrong, girls are awesome! It’s just not me. I’ve always felt different around other people, especially at the church I attend. I’m looked down upon for wearing jeans, tee shirts, and no make up. My mom thinks LGBT is just a “phase” I’m going through, and my friends and siblings think I’m weird for liking other girls.

I just want to be accepted for who I am. So I came here.

Living everyday life knowing that I’ll never be the straight woman almost everyone wants me to be, it can really make me feel worthless. LGBTQ+ is considered taboo in my church, and no one in my family is supportive of it either.

I haven’t come out to my oldest brother yet, because I’m afraid of what he’ll think.

He and I have a close relationship, and he can be so so so so SO annoying, but he’s the only one who actually understands when I’m in a bad mood. It’s just that… I think he expects me to be straight as well, because everyone in my family is. All the time he’ll stick me in with the other girls in my family and talk about how I’m his “sister” and that “I cry more than him because I’m a girl”, and it makes me feel so uncomfortable, like I just KNOW that’s not who I am.

It’s been a really hard journey these past five years, I’ve faced ridiculing, insults, and even lost a few friends because of who I am. In 2017 I lost my best friend because of this stupid thing that’s happened to me. I always question, “Why can’t I just be like everyone else? Why was I ever made this way? Why was I ever born if this is how things are going to be?”

I know I should be proud to be part of the LGBT community, and I am proud that we all stand up for ourselves, but I wish I could be accepted for the person I was born to be.

My church pastor (and every church pastor I know), will always talk about how gay, trans, and gender-role switching is a sin, and that you’d go to Hell for it. It scares me, like, for real… If Hell is real, what if that’s where I’m going?! 

Whenever I’m at my church, the ladies I work with (since the women and the men have stereotype roles in my church) will always talk trash about gay and trans people. It makes me so uneasy and anxious. I remember excusing myself from a conversation once so I could go cry in the bathroom for a few minutes out of disgust in myself for being like I was and what they think about my sexuality.

At church, everyone says I’m “Such a light, so kind, will do great things, such a good girl, etc.” but if they knew that I loved a girl, they would either kick me out, or send me to a therapist to get me out of this “phase”.

There are some parents who don’t even like their daughters hanging out with me because I’m not a good influence since I “don’t dress right.” Dresses make me uncomfortable AF and I honestly hate wearing them. They make me self-conscious and insecure. Tee shirts and jeans are the way I roll. I don’t see the problem with wearing tee shirts and jeans to church, I mean, all the men do it, so why can’t I?
Oh wait, that’s right. I’m physically a woman.

You’re probably thinking “Ditch that toxic church!” and trust me, I would if I could. The only reason I go is because I practically don’t have a choice. There’s that, and another reason. I like someone there. I know that we’ll never ever work out since she’s a female and I’m a female and her mom is MEGA-CHRISTIAN 2.0, but there’s something about her that draws me in. Don’t worry, I know how to have boundaries. We’re just friends, and that’s probably all we’ll ever be. I haven’t told anyone except a few members of my family about my feelings. And do I ever so regret doing that.

My sister thinks I’m weird for liking other girls, and my brother says it’s unnatural. My mother doesn’t know, but of course I’m not telling her! Every time she sees a teen claiming that they’re asexual or lesbian or gay or trans she’ll say its a phase and that they need to wait until they’re older, then they’ll find the right person.

It’s honestly unnerving when I hear her say it, like she’s targeting me personally even if she doesn’t know.

Anyway, it’s 12 AM over here, and I have a loooong day of school tomorrow. Thanks for taking your time to read this, if you have any suggestions, tips, or pointers about anything, I’f really appreciate it!

Once again. thanks for reading!

Love ya, until next time!

Your confused little teen, -Madden