Here I am now…
Mid 20’s and not doing anything with my life. I had a life that i enjoyed, that made me somewhat a happy person inside. How my life changed? Thats another story.
I’m going to talk about today, and how I am, and where I am today. Like i said, I do nothing with my life… Except wake up jump on the computer and spend countless hours online, not even chatting to people, just searching the web and maybe playing a game or two now and then.
I’m currently on medication called Effexor, which is an anti-depressant. I’ve been on it for over a year now. Yes, I can say it did help a situation… Which yes still haunts me from time to time. I increased my dose of this drug by 2x without doctors knowing. I did this for 9 months. I can’t tell you all how much this dosage came too. Though it helped… but now i feel immune to it. For awhile there i couldn’t feel emotions… which i guess made me make some irrational decisions. Somedays I regret, somedays I don’t. This drug has made me feel depressed… Another thing that has come to my attention and i didn’t even realise because I was liking how this drug made me feel somewhat happier again… but since it’s not really taking effect on me anymore, I realised I have put on so much weight because of it. I was a small, pettie size 8, Now i’m a size 14-16 Australian Sizes. I look at myself in the mirror and say WTF has happened to me. And I know it’s because of this anti-depressant. Still without doctor’s advice, I changed my medication back to the orginal dose I’m meant to take…. I want to go off this stupid shit. I want me back. I still may have depression, but isn’t there some other way to help this? I feel determine inside to do something about this… and yet…. I can’t make myself to actually go any futher with it. Oh… let me just say aswell… I don’t eat junk food, I eat normally. And I don’t eat bread, because i’m allergic to it. So WTF????
My clothes don’t fit me anymore… I have to wear baggy t-shirts all the time, which make me look like a complete hobo…
Arghhhh ok sorry, I apologise, I needed to get this crap off my chest. I needed somewhere to vent… I guess i’m looking for someone to give me support, some motivation to help myself. At least to get my life back on track and do something…. Because someday I want to have children…. I want to have a family.
I know I am a talented person. I’m creative in many areas of art. I even have a diploma…. Yet, I can’t get a job… Is it because of my reflection of myself? Wheeee did something go wrong. Haha.