Here I am now…


Mid 20’s and not doing anything with my life. I had a life that i enjoyed, that made me somewhat a happy person inside. How my life changed? Thats another story.

I’m going to talk about today, and how I am, and where I am today. Like i said, I do nothing with my life… Except wake up jump on the computer and spend countless hours online, not even chatting to people, just searching the web and maybe playing a game or two now and then.

I’m currently on medication called Effexor, which is an anti-depressant. I’ve been on it for over a year now. Yes, I can say it did help a situation… Which yes still haunts me from time to time. I increased my dose of this drug by 2x without doctors knowing. I did this for 9 months. I can’t tell you all how much this dosage came too. Though it helped… but now i feel immune to it. For awhile there i couldn’t feel emotions… which i guess made me make some irrational decisions. Somedays I regret, somedays I don’t. This drug has made me feel depressed… Another thing that has come to my attention and i didn’t even realise because I was liking how this drug made me feel somewhat happier again… but since it’s not really taking effect on me anymore, I realised I have put on so much weight because of it. I was a small, pettie size 8, Now i’m a size 14-16 Australian Sizes. I look at myself in the mirror and say WTF has happened to me. And I know it’s because of this anti-depressant.  Still without doctor’s advice, I changed my medication back to the orginal dose I’m meant to take…. I want to go off this stupid shit. I want me back. I still may have depression, but isn’t there some other way to help this? I feel determine inside to do something about this… and yet…. I can’t make myself to actually go any futher with it.  Oh… let me just say aswell… I don’t eat junk food, I eat normally. And I don’t eat bread, because i’m allergic to it. So WTF????

My clothes don’t fit me anymore… I have to wear baggy t-shirts all the time, which make me look like a complete hobo…


Arghhhh ok sorry, I apologise, I needed to get this crap off my chest. I needed somewhere to vent… I guess i’m looking for someone to give me support, some motivation to help myself.  At least to get my life back on track and do something…. Because someday I want to have children…. I want to have a family.

I know I am a talented person. I’m creative in many areas of art. I even have a diploma…. Yet, I can’t get a job… Is it because of my reflection of myself?  Wheeee did something go wrong. Haha.





1 Comment
  1. Rock64 13 years ago

    No need to apologize. This aint MySpace.

    I dont want to say something that could be bad advice but I dont believe in medication for mental illness. I”m not sure that most who think or are told they are ”ill” actually are. I could be wrong. Life can be a real bitch though. It takes a lot out of some of us just to get through our daily routine. It doesnt mean you”re sick. It could just mean that you feel things so profoundly that it can take you somewhere just a bit too unbearable.  Drug the feeling out of yourself? Why not just drink youself stupid? You dont need a prescription for that and it does about as much good. This is just my opinion. I,m sorry you feel bad. Wish I could make you feel better bout yourself. Only you can do it though.

    0 kudos

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