Someone told me to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. I want to. There are little things I could do. Like, making our environment less depressing, by fixing up the apartment (it’s always so messy – beyond being a slob when I’m depressed, I’ve never been the most domestic wife)… but, in terms of big things… I dont think there’s anything I can do, yet. I think I have to bide my time. Charlie needs to be in control, right now. At least, I think he does. And, he doesn’t seem to want to deal with this, yet. Maybe, he’s not ready. Maybe, just he needs more time to figure out what he really wants, or needs.
Whatever he needs… I feel like I have to give it to him. At least, for now…
so, for the moment… I’m just waiting to see if conditions improve. (It’s all very "Oregon Trail.")
I miss my best friend. Quinn and I were really good at being friends. I don’t know why we had to fuck it up by becoming lovers.
I realized a few months ago that I needed to make some new friends, but I don’t really know how, anymore. I feel so isolated, and old.
Charlie’s asleep, right now. And, as usual, I’m still up. My mind will never stop weeping, or screaming, internally, long enough for me to fall asleep. I write him letters, so he won’t feel awkward, about having to answer my declarations of affection. I know he reads them, so he has to know I’m hanging on, hoping he’ll stay with me. I don’t think he’d let me do that if he didn’t think we had a chance. I don’t think he’d hold me every night, and sleep next to me, if he was sure it’s over. I know he still loves me. And, I think he wants to stay, He just needs to figure out if he can.
Sometimes, I’m hopeful, and sometimes I feel like everything’s lost. God, this all sucks so much.