It has been 4 months and 3 days since I dumped my abusive and fellow drug addict boyfriend that day that I finally hit rock bottom. I had been in abusive relationships for over 5 years. All circling me lower and lower down the drain. After my then- boyfriend condescendingly proclaimed I am the only person with drug problem, denied me again to stop- I put my pride aside and asked for help. After years of shutting out my first love (whom I dated for 4 years) out of shame even though every 6 months for the 5 years we were broken up he'd check on me to remind me he'll always love and be there for me no matter what. I knew at that moment I'd either die or take a stand. That day, my ex held my hand and gave me courage in myself. With his help, that was my last day.

Since then I quit my old job to start fresh. I found a new job I loved and became inseparable from my first and only love. We were, and have been since 2005, infatuated.

He gave me hope when I "knew" I'd never make it. He showed me love when I "knew" I didn't deserve it. He took my hand when everyone have up on me.

This week he suddenly stopped responding. After 2 days of worry, he responds with " I left my phone at home".

No emotion. No compassion. No remorse.

I bought tickets for us to go to see a baseball game as a surprise. He didn't answer me so I brought a friend last minute. Today I stayed home waiting.

He said he was working he'll call me when he gets home.

11:30pm I call him knowing he forgot/ didn't want to call. He answers me distant and non-chelante.

Finally he says in as few words as possible that he can't see me anymore. Things aren't the same. We never speak. Blah blah blah.

After 9 years of this and that he tells me a couple weeks of me swamped at work, he can't take it.

What a load of shit.

I love myself for believing that without drugs I'm a strong person. I'm proud that I maned up and told my parents of my embarrassment and told them I want to be on house arrest. I wanted to go through the pain. I don't think I can ever explain or experience the nitemare of opioid withdrawals. With the help of my first love, I decided that my first step to becoming the person I want to be is to do this without the help of medical aid and drugs. Cold turkey.

I am proud of this. But I know I wouldn't be here without him.

He gave up on me after 9 years, after everything… Over something so small.

I know I've made bad decisions but I embrass it and try to resolve it.

This was the reason I had hope. The reason I had any confidence. He is part of the definition of what I like in myself.

He betrayed me. He was all I had left.

This was probably the hardest hit I've taken.

1 Comment
  1. nomoremyway 7 years ago

    *relate*

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    0 kudos

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