Um…so I don’t know any of you. Before I…I guess tell my story I want to put some trigger warnings out there first

-Self Harm-     -ED-     -Suicide-   -Depression?-   -Anxiety-   -Guns-  -Sexual Harassment-

if anything I say in here triggers you but it isn’t listed please feel free to let me know

I guess I could tell this in some sort of timeline sense. I can barely remember anything before the age of 7. I remember having to hold a gun in the bathroom and being told to be ready to call the cops because my dad used to be pretty abusive towards my mom. It’s still all blurry I guess. My sister was born around that time and we eventually moved out and lived with my grandma. My mom is a lesbian and she had a girlfriend, soon to be wife whom she is now divorcing after 7 years. I was bullied from a young age at times, never anything severe. My auntie who was 12 at the time touched me when I was 8 and living with my grandma. I assume it to be out of curiosity, she currently lives with me now and is 18. I am 14 and uh I guess I’ll share some experiences that I think bother me. I was fine, perfectly fine until 6th grade. I went into middle school and heard words like depression and anxiety. No, I have never self-diagnosed, and I am not clinically diagnosed with anything. But after hearing these words and what made other people feel down I started thinking about past experiences. My punishments for talking back or slipping grades like having to wear the same pair of khakis and white shirts while I sit in a corner infested with roaches at my grandmother’s house. I was barely allowed to use the bathroom and I couldn’t speak or do anything but sleep the day away, do homework, and repeat. One time I begged my mom to come home, but my grandma said no lol. I kept thinking of people who have betrayed me and things like that. So I started to get sad often and overthink why weren’t these experiences affecting me like it did others. Did I just move on quickly? Or is there something wrong with me? I ended up cutting myself and my mom got angry and said she’d whoop me if I did it again because people will take me away because we’re black and she’s lesbian. I found most of my comfort in anime and things like that. I got a girlfriend who I have been with for almost 3 years now, she also isn’t okay. It would stress me out because I wish I could help her, but she has a hard time accepting help. I love her though. I started learning more about suicide and self-harm and for some reason attempted by OD. Let’s be honest, I don’t go through anything. Sure my mom is emotionally damaging, sure I had all those past experiences but I was okay. I don’t know if I was subconsciously trying to fit in with what everyone else is doing. I think I do these things to have some sort of “cool person narrative” or because I need to go through something traumatic in order for people to listen or for me to feel validated. Maybe that’s what I was and still am doing I don’t know. I constantly invalidate myself out of other people doing it to me . “you’re just being dramatic” “do you want attention or something?”. I have a really weird habit that also comforts me. I do it very often instinctively. I might have an oral fixation where I find calmness and keeping my mouth active. Like sucking my thumb or chewing on bottle caps, but instead, I suck on my arm…I don’t know either. I want to die, but I know I can’t. I have to be here for people. You know…people pleaser stuff. I have to provide for everyone else even though I’m drained and can’t fend for myself. I have to act tough and like I have myself together even though I don’t. I’m always ever seen for my grades and being that smart girl. We get it, I have all A’s, only because if I get anything less I’ll disappoint myself and family. Grades have consumed me to the point where the only thing I can tell you for sure I love is anime and my girlfriend. I don’t know what I wanna be when I become an adult and I’m only 4 years away from going into college. Timing is flying, and I’m overwhelmed and want to end it all, but I can’t because people need me. I can’t hurt them. My looks are constantly being judged. I don’t need to be told I have bad acne and I’m gaining weight all the time. I didn’t anything but dinner for all of the 6th grade. I don’t know why it wasn’t planned, I just didn’t eat. I also didn’t for the first half of 7th grade either.I’m numb just about all of the time and have an issue with flinching and picking with acne scars. Whenever I try and force myself to cry and allow myself to feel, suddenly 3 people are going to commit, 2 are self-harming, and 1 needs someone to talk to. I provide the resources to try and cut our convos short so I can still have time for myself, but I always feel bad. If I ever open up to someone they always make it about them… all the time. I get it, you go through things too, but can we please wait before I drain myself more. Whatever I’m tired and I’m done typing. If you wanna talk just message me here or whatever. I’ll be there for you always. Love you