I know I am a teenager and going through what people will say a “phase” but I have been like this since I was 7 years old. I do not remember a single day I was completely happy. I am the problem for everyone. I cause to much pain and issues. I am such a horrible friend and horrible girlfriend. I hate how I am and I would change everything about me if I had the chance to. I do not love myself I cannot even pretend I love myself. I take pictures of myself and only see flaws. Why am I such a shameful person? Why is my family embarrassed of me? Why do they not love me? What am I possibly doing wrong?! I am reminded everyday that my feelings do not matter. I feel like I annoy the only person I actually talk to. I can’t explain how I feel most of the time. I am horrible at emotions and push people away. I talk down on myself a lot that I can’t stop. I want to feel free you know? Maybe go on a road trip with the windows down at night. No music, just taking in the moment and living it. Maybe to go see the stars with my soulmate. Just laying down on a hill far away from the city. Talking about our future and what we love about each other. Him holding me and we try to count the stars. I would love just to be with him alone for a week. He makes me happy and feel like life gets better. He makes me feel beautiful and worth it. He treats me like I am the only girl in the world. I never use to be a fan of love but after meeting him I am proud to say I fell in love with the best person possible. All my problems go away when I am with him. I never have to fight any battle alone. Yes, there is times we argue like every couple and we do have our bad days or weeks but even through the bad I know I love him and he has my heart. I’m very bipolar so one minute I will feel like this and then the next I will feel completely numb. But I do know I am trying for me and for him. I am trying to be better for our future and future kids. I cannot lose him after what we’ve been through. I could go on & on about how much he means to me but I feel like I am making no sense now lol. I’ll probably write another blog tomorrow, stay safe.

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