Um…so I don’t know any of you. Before I…I guess tell my story I want to put some trigger warnings out there first

-Self Harm-     -ED-     -Suicide-   -Depression?-   -Anxiety-   -Guns-  -Sexual Harassment-

if anything I say in here triggers you but it isn’t listed please feel free to let me know

I guess I could tell this in some sort of timeline sense. I can barely remember anything before the age of 7. I remember having to hold a gun in the bathroom and being told to be ready to call the cops because my dad used to be pretty abusive towards my mom. It’s still all blurry I guess. My sister was born around that time and we eventually moved out and lived with my grandma. My mom is a lesbian and she had a girlfriend, soon to be wife whom she is now divorcing after 7 years. I was bullied from a young age at times, never anything severe. My auntie who was 12 at the time touched me when I was 8 and living with my grandma. I assume it to be out of curiosity, she currently lives with me now and is 18. I am 14 and uh I guess I’ll share some experiences that I think bother me. I was fine, perfectly fine until 6th grade. I went into middle school and heard words like depression and anxiety. No, I have never self-diagnosed, and I am not clinically diagnosed with anything. But after hearing these words and what made other people feel down I started thinking about past experiences. My punishments for talking back or slipping grades like having to wear the same pair of khakis and white shirts while I sit in a corner infested with roaches at my grandmother’s house. I was barely allowed to use the bathroom and I couldn’t speak or do anything but sleep the day away, do homework, and repeat. One time I begged my mom to come home, but my grandma said no lol. I kept thinking of people who have betrayed me and things like that. So I started to get sad often and overthink why weren’t these experiences affecting me like it did others. Did I just move on quickly? Or is there something wrong with me? I ended up cutting myself and my mom got angry and said she’d whoop me if I did it again because people will take me away because we’re black and she’s lesbian. I found most of my comfort in anime and things like that. I got a girlfriend who I have been with for almost 3 years now, she also isn’t okay. It would stress me out because I wish I could help her, but she has a hard time accepting help. I love her though. I started learning more about suicide and self-harm and for some reason attempted by OD. Let’s be honest, I don’t go through anything. Sure my mom is emotionally damaging, sure I had all those past experiences but I was okay. I don’t know if I was subconsciously trying to fit in with what everyone else is doing. I think I do these things to have some sort of “cool person narrative” or because I need to go through something traumatic in order for people to listen or for me to feel validated. Maybe that’s what I was and still am doing I don’t know. I constantly invalidate myself out of other people doing it to me . “you’re just being dramatic” “do you want attention or something?”. I have a really weird habit that also comforts me. I do it very often instinctively. I might have an oral fixation where I find calmness and keeping my mouth active. Like sucking my thumb or chewing on bottle caps, but instead, I suck on my arm…I don’t know either. I want to die, but I know I can’t. I have to be here for people. You know…people pleaser stuff. I have to provide for everyone else even though I’m drained and can’t fend for myself. I have to act tough and like I have myself together even though I don’t. I’m always ever seen for my grades and being that smart girl. We get it, I have all A’s, only because if I get anything less I’ll disappoint myself and family. Grades have consumed me to the point where the only thing I can tell you for sure I love is anime and my girlfriend. I don’t know what I wanna be when I become an adult and I’m only 4 years away from going into college. Timing is flying, and I’m overwhelmed and want to end it all, but I can’t because people need me. I can’t hurt them. My looks are constantly being judged. I don’t need to be told I have bad acne and I’m gaining weight all the time. I didn’t anything but dinner for all of the 6th grade. I don’t know why it wasn’t planned, I just didn’t eat. I also didn’t for the first half of 7th grade either.I’m numb just about all of the time and have an issue with flinching and picking with acne scars. Whenever I try and force myself to cry and allow myself to feel, suddenly 3 people are going to commit, 2 are self-harming, and 1 needs someone to talk to. I provide the resources to try and cut our convos short so I can still have time for myself, but I always feel bad. If I ever open up to someone they always make it about them… all the time. I get it, you go through things too, but can we please wait before I drain myself more. Whatever I’m tired and I’m done typing. If you wanna talk just message me here or whatever. I’ll be there for you always. Love you

 

4 Comments
  1. maitee 4 months ago

    hi
    I’m ace, and I have no need to vent about my problems so you can always talk to me about yours.
    it seems like you’re going through a lot and need someone to talk to
    don’t let people walk all over you and use you as their emotional dumping place, friendship is supposed to be both sides.
    It sounds as if you have depression since you self harm, have suicidal thoughts, and feel empty.
    but anyway, if you wanna talk about it you can send me a message

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      aliya0619 4 months ago

      tysm really. idk its all a mess but im always gonna be here for u too

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  2. hannah-bi-giraffe3 4 months ago

    You can always message me if you ever wanna talk about anything. I’ll let you talk, unlike your friends. Sorry if that was offensive but your friends should really be helping you through your stuff, too. Not just you helping them.

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      aliya0619 4 months ago

      Aww, thank you so much! I mean I do understand it isn’t their responsibility techincally

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