I feel so nuts, sometimes.  I just want to jump out of my skin.  I don’t know what’s going on with anything, anymore.  I know it’s the bipolar disorder.  My dose is being increased, but a problem with that is being ironed out with the insurance.  I hope that goes well.  I feel so helpless, sometimes.  So desperately in need of something… 

What do I need?

Food, and hydration for one thing…  I am lousy at tending to my basic needs.  I can barely get myself to eat what I need to, in a day, most of the time.  I usually get a smoothie in the a.m. when I am out with Charlie – going to outpatient.  Then, maybe, a frappacino during the day (mad empty calories), and eventually, pretty late in the day (not long before Charlie gets home), I order dinner.  I see the pattern – it isn’t lost on me.  I eat when other people are around, or when other people need to eat.  I don’t have the will to do much for my own sake.  A lot of little things could get shit moving towards a reality that I want to live in (a life more like the one I want), and I know that one day fades into the next, indistinguishably, when I am in this depressive stupor, until I mark a day with some sort of change.  It’s not about pulling it all together at once.  It’s about breaking the cycle of motionless, and helplessness.  Once I do something to nudge things forward, I have the chance to build on that momentum – tomorrow would finally have a defining difference about it (it would be the next day in a process of getting something done that I know will make me feel better about myself – a better environment that’s more orderly would help keep my mind clearer, and I know that from experience).  This momentum doesn’t always take, but every attempt has a positive effect, because it’s all constructive, which is ultimately encouraging.  A good friend told me once that 20 min is a good place to start – if you can’t stand the thought of cleaning (an overwhelming mess), and you feel downtrodden about it, commit to 20 min of really working on it.  Sometimes, you get sucked in, and you get a lot done.  Sometimes, you just knock out what you can in 20 minutes, and it really does make a visible difference.  In that case, it’s encouraging to realize what you can accomplish by forcing yourself to tolerate something that might seem overwhelming for a short period of time.  We’ve all been through a lot (those of us on DT who grapple with addiction and/or depression/bipolar) – we could probably gut our way through just about any unpleasantness for twenty minutes.  I’ve certainly gotten through a hell of a lot worse, just because I had to.  The pain of my stomach problem can be the worst thing in the world.  It can me just want to die.  I whine, and scream, and cry – I can’t help it.  But, I have managed not to turn it off with dope.  I do the harder thing – I go to the ER and put myself in a doctor’s hands, and hope that he/she will make it stop.  I just can’t let it be an option.  I get so raw, but I can’t let my mind go back there.  I can’t ever go back there.  I wouldn’t find my way out again.

I’m not sure I would want to.  As is, I’ve clawed my way out, and I still think about killing myself, fairly frequently.  On heroin, I didn’t have a chance.  At the end, I was hopeless, helpless, and losing so much, and all I wanted was to make it all stop.  I just wanted to die.  I couldn’t see a purpose, or anything to look forward to.  Anything that could ever be the way it should be…

Sorry about this dumb ass  rant – I shouldn’t carry on like this.