I don't know I'm having mixed emotions… Today was weird. I pigged out (as usual) on some rice noodle soup and a bag of kettle chips. Then K texted me. He just wanted to say hi and he was at work wondering how my day was going, just as any friend might do. GOD I wish I were thin or at least average in weight again and that my hair looked ok. K is really interested in seeing me right now and i need to strike while the iron is hot… but alas, look at me! How can I? I'm so afraid if I do I will scare him away…

I've been reading about WWII for an interest. There is a lot to learn. Every year I seem to get interested in something. Last year it was Christianity, this year it's WWII. I dont' read much but when I do it's on the internet and it's intense…

So all this led to a conversation (after a few drinks) with Mom and Dad about our lives in Germany almost 30 yrs ago. See, when I was a kid, we lived in Germany (Munich) for 2 yrs. My dad had an amazing job as an exec. and I went to school there and everything. I have very bitter-sweet memories of Germany. It's hard to talk about but after a few drinks I like reminscing… The 1980's in Munich were a nice time really. Peaceful, profitable, nice people overall… I guess I should think of it as a good time in my youth… before all the horrible bullying and depression set in…

After 2 hrs of talking about our lives, friends, places, vacations, etc.. in Germany… I realized… all this took place BEFORE K was even born. K was born at the very end of 1987… I had already lived a lifetime.

I sighed. I turned back to my crutches: food and booze. I realize that they are above me. I wonder if my depression would have happened no matter where I lived… probably. I don't know. For sure Germany was not a bad experience. I'd say good over all… it was after…. when I turned 13… that life became a living HELL.

It never was right after that… loss of children, boyfriends, dignity, hope… Now at my age I realize there is no hope, only memories. And my shining star, my K, saying hello on a rainy day.I look at him and think "beauty, perfection…" I love him more than I've ever loved anything… I only wish I could live out that perfect love…