So my birthday is on the 4th. And I admit I've been a little excited about it. I didn't think I've been talking about it that much, besides trying to plan for it. I was told I'm acting like a 10 year old having a birthday and I need to shut up and stop planning it or I'll be disapointed. Well, number one, I wasn't talking about it THAT much. Number two, I have to plan it! How else will I know what time I need to be starting dinner, done with dinner, and go to the movies? And it's a milestone birthday. So yes, it's sort of exciting.
This person has just been picking on me all day…and my social anxiety isn't helping. I just feel stupid, dumb and ugly. Like nobody wants me here. I don't understand what my purpose even is if nobody even cares. Why would someone so stupid and ugly be made to suffer? I'm not going to commit suicide…but days like this sure make me want to. It's just been an all day thing. Little by little this person has just chipped away at me and right now I just want to disappear and get away from her. But I can't. She's my mom. My bank. My roomie. Everything. I don't think she understand my Social Anxiety all the time. I don't know if she understands just how much of an impact her littlewords make. She says I'm 'overly sensative' and I try to explain to her it's part of my disorder or whatever.
I just wish I could go back and change things. I wish I could go back to the moment I started to become broken and fix myself. I wish it could all be different. I just want to be normal.Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have anything normal. I'll probably never get a job, I'll probably never date, I'll probably never get married or have kids, I'll probably die at age 30 alone living with my mother. And that is just a waste. I thought i've been doing good lately with college and making a few friends….but now I just can't see the positive. I guess I'm just going through a slump right now.
I can't stop crying, so I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes. I just needed to rant a little so I can go to bed without going over and over it in my head.