I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on myself the last several years. I was 5 when I first started questioning my gender. I used to be a prick. I only cared about dying and I’d lunge after anyone who tried to prove me wrong. I was 12 then. I’ve gone through several hospital stays, suicidal episodes, overeating, phases of off and on cutting, mood changes, discovering I had Type 1 Diabetes, and periods of self-loathing. I hated myself, saw myself as a monster. I didn’t like hardly anything ABOUT myself. I thought all I was good at doing was being miserable. I hated myself because I was queer and genderqueer and all I wanted to do was hurt anyone who hated me for that, too. I got pulled out of the home at 14, due to family, and have been in foster care ever since. I have come out as queer and genderfluid, but not as poly or omnisexual yet. Had my first kiss and first non-cisgender boyfriend at 17. He left me and I got heartbroken. It ended with him disappearing and yet another attempt! I came out at 18. I am 19 now (on March 2nd), still struggling with my self-confidence. I’ve gone through several names, finally deciding on Ashur and He/They. I wear both female and male styles without feeling as bad as I used to. I can wear overly masculine clothes and not panic about other’s opinions (as much) and I lopped almost all my hair off. My dad knows I’m genderfluid and is trying to adjust to the changes (keeps accidentally dead naming and pronouning me, but he’s trying his hardest NOT to). Still fighting cutting, overeating, and mood swings, but it’s hard. My, how time will change a man!

1 Comment
  1. morrigan77 4 months ago

    So happy to hear that your dad is trying to adjust and accept the real you. So many people have been faced with negative reactions from family and friends. It’s really good to have people in your corner who can help you through this. I totally understand what its like hating what you look like, hating mirrors and having a hard time with self image. I myself have gone through many different evolution’s of the F am I lol.
    A lot of the terms of today I am unfamiliar with but I kinda get what you’re saying. When I was a kid pretty much all we had was gay, straight, and bisexual. I became more familiar with the term androgynous. Later in life I learned about pansexual and transgender. I knew what drag queens were and how they differed from transsexuals but that was the extent of my understanding there. I’m still learning what else is all out there and trying my best to understand it all. I would say that a lot of us older generation kids (I’m 42) would have some difficulty with understanding what it is you’re going through so kudos to your dad for trying. That’s awesome. My mom just always refereed to my self-searching as a phase I’d grow out of. She’s still waiting for me to grow out of it lol
    I wish you all the best and I don’t know you like, at all, but I can honestly say that I am proud of you for all you’ve done and struggled with to find out who you are and the strength you have to be true to you. You have to do what makes you happy and be who you know you are. Don’t let people tell you who to be. Stay strong and keep fighting. Eventually you will find your path and be the better for it.

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