I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on myself the last several years. I was 5 when I first started questioning my gender. I used to be a prick. I only cared about dying and I’d lunge after anyone who tried to prove me wrong. I was 12 then. I’ve gone through several hospital stays, suicidal episodes, overeating, phases of off and on cutting, mood changes, discovering I had Type 1 Diabetes, and periods of self-loathing. I hated myself, saw myself as a monster. I didn’t like hardly anything ABOUT myself. I thought all I was good at doing was being miserable. I hated myself because I was queer and genderqueer and all I wanted to do was hurt anyone who hated me for that, too. I got pulled out of the home at 14, due to family, and have been in foster care ever since. I have come out as queer and genderfluid, but not as poly or omnisexual yet. Had my first kiss and first non-cisgender boyfriend at 17. He left me and I got heartbroken. It ended with him disappearing and yet another attempt! I came out at 18. I am 19 now (on March 2nd), still struggling with my self-confidence. I’ve gone through several names, finally deciding on Ashur and He/They. I wear both female and male styles without feeling as bad as I used to. I can wear overly masculine clothes and not panic about other’s opinions (as much) and I lopped almost all my hair off. My dad knows I’m genderfluid and is trying to adjust to the changes (keeps accidentally dead naming and pronouning me, but he’s trying his hardest NOT to). Still fighting cutting, overeating, and mood swings, but it’s hard. My, how time will change a man!
PiscesBS, , Anxiety, Depression, LGBT, Anxiety, Lesbian, Gay, LGBTQ, Questions, Relationships, Suicide, 1