Okay, so I hardly ever talk to anyone through my IM service, but I was floating around the chatrooms a week ago. Mainly because I was just bored and there was nothing to do. I was just watching the conversations unfold and I finally got bored of it after a few minutes. I was about to sign offline and go do something, but an IM opened up and this guy started talking to me. I decided that it wouldn't do any harm to talk to someone. I wasn't planning on talking to him very long. He started asking me these strange questions. If I thought I'd make a good wife. If I liked to be submissive or dominent in relationships. What my ethnicity was and all those types of things. I refused to answer some of the questions because they aren't something someone you don't know and will probably never meet in real life should be asking. So, he kept baggering me, and I should have just said goodbye and signed off, but I was lonely and wanted some attention and company. I started to answer his questions and I felt completely disgusting afterwards. The next evening I signed online and I usually block my IMs, but I had forgotten to turn the block on, so he IM'd me once I signed on. I didn't really want to talk to him, but I was lonely, so he started asking me these really sexually explicit questions and I really didn't want to answer them, but did anyway. I'm not the type of girl who cybers or anything, mainly because I like actual contact with someone. So, he asked me to do it, but I refused and said I wouldn't feel right doing it. So, then he sent me a picture of his penis. I almost fell out of my chair because I couldn't believe he was sending it over the internet without knowing who I was or what I would do with the picture. I avoided him for a few days, by not going online and keeping my blocker on. Well, just last night I got online and an IM opened. I have friends I talk to online, and wasn't looking at the IM name. I just opened it. It was him, with another screen name. He accused me of avoiding him, I was, but didn't tell him that. He asked me if I was really as old as I said I was and if I wasn't a tease. I told him that I was as old as I said I was, but that I wasn't comfortable with him trying to get me to do something I didn't want to do and him calling me a bitch, which he'd started doing after the first time we talked. He said I was finally acting like a black girl. I asked him what he meant. He said I was being bitchy for no reason at all. I told him that it wasn't for no reason. I didn't want to cyber, tell him about my body, or sit there and let him call me a bitch when I didn't know him, he didn't know me, and I just didn't like it. Plus, what he said was stupid. All women can be bitchy, not just black ones. He closed the IM and I went on about my business online. I forgot to turn on the blocker and he kept IMing me, telling me I was a tease and obviously had problems because when a real guys came along I wouldn't go through with anything because I was a messed up little freak. It made me feel so freakin' bad. And I don't know why I should care what he thinks because he wasn't anyone I want to care about and his opinion shouldn't matter because he obviously didn't respect me at all. I've had to block his many different screen names, but I'm actually starting to miss the conversation with him. I know that's crazy and I feel crazy for missing it. It makes me feel sick to miss this, and I told my counselor about it. She said I wanted to feel wanted, which he was giving me attention, even if it was negative. Then, I felt like I had to take the abuse and everything because I think I deserve it, which is partly true, now that I think of it.
I am so depressed now. I feel like if I ever do get into a relationship, I'll let the guy do whatever because I feel that I deserve whatever he does and I don't want that.