Hey.

 

So I’m getting worse. I got a list of symptoms from the Internet to see how many I had. I figured I’d be able to talk about it easier if I had it on paper. Then it struck me that I ticked basically every type of obsession and compulsion and more. That scared me because you wouldn’t believe it but I was still holding on to the hope that I didn’t have it. I still can’t even say  it haha denial can’t be good for progress can it? Oh well. Anyway, I just need to know if anyone’s ever had to struggle with OCD and exams. I mean I know school is difficult in itself, believe me, but you know, exams in particular? Because I’m from England and I’m sitting my AS level exams in a few weeks and I’m terrified that I’ll not finish the papers because I’m reading the questions over and over again and making sure my handwriting is perfect. In the past, I’ve had bad experiences. I’ve needed to set up my pens in this certain pattern before I start and oh lord last year I had these marks on my table and I seriously had to hold back the tears. It was awful. I feel ridiculous… but I’ll carry on. So I’ve always taken FOREVER to copy stuff down in class and been the one still writing until the last minute in exams and I thought it was just because I was slow… or stupid. Though deep down I know I’m not (well I hope anyway). Now I realise it’s because I read the question a good few times, often at least four, and I need to write everything in a certain way. But I’ve always done it so I didn’t know that wasn’t right. Exams are worse because I get more stressed I suppose. When I started ripping out pages because one letter just didn’t feel "right", I started to admit something was wrong. Sometimes, when I’m reading a question, I need to like say the word in my head if that makes sense or I don’t feel like I’ve properly understood it. Whatever grade I get I will always think that if I didn’t have OCD then I could have done better, but then maybe I’m just using it as an excuse. Anyway, these exams are really important, like "determine what you do for the rest of your life" important, and I know I’m going to screw them up and this disorder is going to ruin me. I can see it now. Hello crazy cat lady. Here I come.

 

I’m changing as a person. I’m just a horrible person to be around. At first I thought it was everyone else, but recently I’ve been listening to myself and then to how people have been reacting. Mum- "That’s how she talks to me these days." Dad – "I hate it that you talk to me like you’re angry at me."  My best friend Tim – "I just feel bad for you that you’re stressed all the time. Just don’t be. Or don’t take it out on me." "You used to be so spontaneous!"

These little comments just make me stop and think, hold on, I’m different. I’m moody all the time, like when people talk to me I feel like they should know that I already have a million things going on in my head. I feel like they are interrupting me trying to deal with my thoughts and I just SNAP. Everything I say is sarcastic or just horrid and I promise you I’m not like this. I’m nice. People love to be around me, I was once even described as a ball of sunshine or something haha That made me smile. Now I’m like a raincloud that rains on everyone and this girl that everyone loves just gets further and further away. As the OCD gets worse I can feel it changing me. I don’t know who I am or what I’m becoming. But I don’t like it.

Someone, please, let me know you’ve faced similar problems and conquered them? I need to know that there is hope… Otherwise, what’s the point?

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