I keep going back and forth, back and forth.  It just won't STOP.

It's drilled in my head that she hates me now.  That she doesn't understand me anymore.  And I've tried really hard to tell myself where is the logic behind that…  And this is what I've come up with.

I let her read my stuff, some things that I don't ever talk about when I'm there, because my mouth just won't open or the words don't come,just pictures in my head that I can't explain.  And I don't want to be mean and I don't want to say mean things.  I don't want to overwhlem her to the point that she just doesn't want me to come back.  I can tell when I become a burden so now I want to  push her away before she pushes me away.  But I just want to be normal.  So I'm going to try really hard not to do that.  And  It takes a while to find the right words and not yell out cuss words and not to be mean and too orginize them. 

But because I wouldn't let her into my world complety, just half of my world,  she going to think I'm STUPID.  That I am lying.  Tell me to LEAVE.  Just like everybody else.  And I'm going to have to start all over again.  And I just don't know if I can do that anymore.  Start over.  And I keep thinking about how Julie acted when I started to open up to her.  It felt like she didn't like me anymore.  It felt like she hated me.  She even got mad at me, I can't erase that look on her face out of my mind.

Then when I went to the office in BC to see a doctor about getting meds.  I saw her there and I ignored her, but I could see the way she was looking at me out of the corner of my eye.  She looked like she was afraid of me. I'm not scary…  I'm just misunderstood.  And I don't want to go back there.  EVER.  I don't like her.  She tricked me.  Made me think she understood me.  But didn't.

I'm having a bad day.

3 Comments
  1. marc81980 12 years ago

    Hi:

    I realize these are trained professionals. But I honestly think the way people play games or friends ask you something because they want to   understand these people try to manipulate people like us into telling them something and they get freaked out.  If I am completely open with my past to people on here and told them things that I have done in my life due to my OCD or other problems I am sure they would look at me as someone who had a few rough patches. You tell someone out there they will give you looks and make jokes.  You are in a rock and a hard place. Not tell her and have her not know the real you because you do not want to open  up or tell her the truth. Quite honestly if I knew I could not tell her about half the things and I knew how she would act if I did I would stop going.  I know that was not good advice but if I can't be honest or I am afraid my honesty will get me looks then what am I doing there? Therapists are not so open minded all the time.

     

    Marc

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  2. xray81 12 years ago

    Thanks Marc that meant alot to me.  Made me smile when I didn't think I had any simles left.  🙂 😐 🙁

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  3. marc81980 12 years ago

    We all deal with these people whether they are people in the street, people you live with (non family) work, school. I don't care if they are professionals they are still prejudiced to their beliefs before hand. If someone is going to look at someone like they said something so bad then maybe they should not be in a field like that. The sad thing is they went to school for that and in there mind it pays the bills. 

     

     I hate to be rude but it seems many of the parents I am reading about in these blogs do not help the kids. This goes for Everlasting OCD. You are married not living with your mother but when you tell her things she can make a comment like that about your lip swelling? I am not trying to be rude. If I was telling my dad things like that and important things in my list ( I don't you know if you read my blogs) he would love that.  Ironically I am like your mother in the way I am the child with the OCD who is taking all the energy from my father versus you being the daughter and not being allowed to communicate your true feelings because you feel you are not going to get anything out of her in a sympathetic manner.

     

    Marc

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