Today I really didmy best. I went to see the movie avatar alone.I really try to overcome my fears and try to make myself happy. So I dont think I just sit here and complain I am sad. Lots of people in mylife think that.

It was full of people.I was so uncomfortable and scared, I didnt eat the whole day because I was so anxious, its 8:45pm now. I even had an accident. I fell very hard on the end of the street, the ice made me fell. I didnt paid muchattentionand now im in alot of pain. This was before I went to see the movies. Even then i refused to go back to the own prison I made for myself. I knew if I came back I was going to feel the same sadness I amfeeling this whole week…

Then after I saw the movies I decided to pay my aunt avisit. She is 55 I think. I really do aprciate that I am not completely alone sometimes. Maybe not understood and not very close to peopl but I got to e thankfull for the things I got since there are poeple who dont even got that. I went to just visit and talk. Not alot to talk to but they love animals so we talked about my cat Mindy. Then she ask me if I wanna go eat in a restaurant with afew familymembers tomorrow night. It is hard but I am decided to go. I have to try to get less isolated. Im a bit proud of myself that I amtrying to live a life evenw hen I feel this bad. I constantely have death and the question of what is the meaning of life in my head. But I am still here and I dont want to make others sador make them feel my sadness. My family seem so happy. When I am with them I constately try to smile and laugh to preten I am happy too because I dont want to ruin things. When I have to cry I go to the bathroom.

I do apreciate people onhere to. Everyone who reads, who comments and who try to support not only me but others in need to. I really want to take these bad things of my mind but its not easy.

I think its saver for me to go out eating tomorrow , I dont want to do badstuff and feel sad. atleast with them even if I have to pretend I am much better than staying home alone trying to die. I do try. I dont know what for I try since I dont understand life. I dont even know why I should try. But I guess I gotta try to not make my sadness destroy other things that are still beautifull and happy.