I don't know anymore. Anything. I'm so lost, so confused… nothing I do makes anything clearer. Someone tells me something, and I have to ask them to repeat it up to five times before I understand it. Or I'm asked something, and I don't get it till much later, if I understand at all. I don't know how I'm feeling most of the time, or what I'm thinking. All I know is that I want it to end. I get so frustrated that I can't handle things like a normal person.
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I don't understand… I feel abandoned, when it's my own fault for not being able to go out and go to others. I can't even go to normal school anymore, because my social anxiety gets so bad I can't handle the sheer amount of people around. I can't even go outside, barely. More than one person besides me and I'm a nervous wreck. Of course, no one sees that. I hide it too well, which is either good or bad, depending. On what, I don't know. It just does.
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I get so emotional and frustrated when I can't do something right, the way everyone says it should be done, and they have no problem with it. And then I can't do it at all, even something as simple as loading dishes. It doean't look right the way I do it, and I get so frustrated I start to cry. If I can't write something properly, I have a mental breakdown. If I can't fold a sheet, I get depressed. What is wrong with me?
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I'm so depressed, and the few reasons I do have–that I can't share, simply because they scare me too much–don't seem like real reasons. No medicine is helping, no matter what doctor tells me to take what. Nothing is working. Why isn't anything working? I want it to work. I need it to work. I try to make it work. But it's like something doesn't want me to be even a little happy.
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My friends… They don't understand me, or my problems, or my pain. They don't understand this terror I have. But that's my own fault for being to stupid to explain it. I am not capable of doing all the things a normal person should be able to do, and everyone expects so much more than I can do. When I tell them so, they say I'm just being lazy. No. I've been struggling for years to do what other people learn in an instant.
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Am I just stupid? Do I have some mild retardation that makes me the way I am?
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I don't know. Not a thing. And not knowing anything scares me.
