I was walking, trying to cross the street. Listening to some music with my headphones on. I was relaxed and almost felt good for a minute. Then suddenly i heard my sisters voice screaming at me.
Me, I wasnt suprised she was screaming at me since thats all what she does. She hates me but yet now she yelling at me to get my attention, trying to save me. Then i looked at my left side and saw the tram at time so i wouldnt get hit.
I wasnt in shock or scarred. I was actually happy. I could have died or get hurt somehow and it was the most peacefull way ive been in awhile. When i asked her why didntshe pulled meback because she was standing next to me at my left before i crossed , she said she didnt wanted to loose her arm ?
Back to the dark routine of unhappyness, fights, lonelyness, frustrations and sadness. Why didnt I die if my life is empty maybe even worthless?. Why did she yelled at me at that precise moment only for then keep fighting and showing me how much she hates me?
This little things keep remember me how worthless i am to others and myself. Sometimes I feel i cant carry this pain no more. Im tired of crying,im tired ofbeing missunderstood. Im tired of being lost and lonely not only in this world but inside of me too.
I was trying to be better. I was trying to be nice. But this hate and sadness inside of me keeps growing. Now (this week) i feel like im going to explode sometimes and do things i shouldnt out of control. If i get yelled at, bullied, pick on, underapreciated, discriminated etc by people all the time then how am i supposed to not be lonely in my life. I might be weak, i might be ugly and lot of other things but that doesnt give nobody the right to treat me like this.
But anyways i guess it doesnt even matter what isay orhow i think. Im sure some people do sympathise. But thats justit. I will never be understood, just always be compared too.
Now back to finding the why. The why the hell im still alive.