at an NA meeting last night after the suicide episode I had the day before I got enough strength through trying to get myself back by listening to Gods Voice calling the suicide talk line I felt I couldnt get myself out completely after several things I called and the lady was receptive and helpful she listened and let me express and gave me advice i felt more calm she gave me a meeting location and the next day i made myself go even though my body was fighting me I was happy I did everyone was so helpful and welcoming and I felt I was in a place where i wasnt judged it was weird at first but being able to express myself was really healing I didnt realize how much i needed to be heard around like minds who experienced some of the same dark moments and struggles that i encountered it was a blessing i heard there stories which helped me see that im not alone when i thought i was alone its been 8 months clean and i made it this far with Gods voice and strength in his energy by calling on him no matter what i was doing he was even their many times when i was high not beating me up but kicking it with me and then one day a path opened up more clear for me to stop it felt good having a friend that would be there no matter what not like what some who are stuck on religion teach that he is the God that hates you unless your perfect its actually the other way around through your imperfection he makes you perfect hes a friend just open up to him and listen dont put any boundaries on what is possible on him so he can show you through him there are no limits and no boundaries his voice if you listen to it and receive him will help you make the best call some say its just your conscious but its way more especially if you start getting in a place where you can learn how some others may have received him I started ready the book of proverbs and psalms before I began to go into the venture of darkness paved before me i didnt even understand it but some friend that i had made trust with recommended i try and i bought a bible it was the best thing i ever did not to be super religious but its as if he knew i was gonna need him on the future embark i was about to take which was true i cant imagine how i could of gotten out of some of the dark circumstances ive gotten out of being able to listen inside to his voice when i could of gotten shot and told what to do to get out of the situation what to do when someone i trusted put my life in danger another time when i got sick i was lead to herbs that are healing me i learned how to call to God and i am so glad I called on him in times on loneliness he was my friend in times of how am i gonna make it home he was there in times of ive fucked up he was there in times of i cant stop using he said lets keep journeying together to find out what you really need i wont judge you ill understand you help you understand yourself as you learn to understand me so you can trust me you are not just a physical being you need are also spiritual so if your spiritual side in you is at low levels your body will cry to you for it needs something i realize thorugh alot of other issues i ended up using to solve alot of other issues i needed help with like how to communicate who am i what to do when im afraid what to do in loneliness how to be myself in a world that says you cant be yourself etc etc

I write poetry more now because yes i need and deserve to express i paint if i have to it doesnt have to be something i sell but its for me so that i can always be me i listen to the music i need to listen to for me i do all the things i need to do to express and what makes me happy thats what God said was ok to do its not the other way around and he enjoys those things with me surely i see myself getting stronger well i can say im much stronger and wiser than before …………….i could write forever

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