I hate. I hate giving power to people who dont deserve it. I hate that I do it. I still do it. No power ->jenna. Hates it. Had cell convo with psych. amy today. Told her things are….they are what they are. They could be worse. More bright then, in the daytime, to talk about getting through things. All you need is fucked up life and a dash of sarcasm. I think I actually kind of amused her a little. I’m not amused.
I feel like….My life just died and I will never get it back. Someone came out of nowhere and killed it in front of me. I’ve been watching it bleed out for the past year. I hate long weekends, like this one. Plans, people, are my friends, or….in this case not. Left out. I hate subjecting myself to rude awful people. People that I don’t respect, I look at them and their attitudes and selfishness and think "we’re not six. think about something other than where the natty light is going to be tonight". But of course, that could be me, things switched around. Names changed.
I have made myself emotionally beholden to people who are unable to care about me, "friends". I hate that, I give that power and when they talk about partying and hanging out in front of me(times I was never invited to that everyone else was, places I used to always be invited to) and I don’t just say, "fuck you I’ll find someone else who cares". Because I can’t. Cannot find someone else. Pathetically feel bad about it, hear about the great life "friends" are having, and feel robbed. Unjustly, still the same, I feel like they took my sophmore and now the begining of junior year from me. A big time in my life, I let them shit all over me, call me out beat me down, throw me out.
I still clammer to be included, because without inclusion there is some kind of exclusion I can’t handle. I put on the happy face and pretend, waiting for my part in the show to start. I want to start now. I want to live life, to have some semblence of what I thought college would be like. I feel like they killed that life in front of me and are now taking shots off its corpse. I would never say that in person, but its a true feeling.
I have so much life in me, I feel like I age years in seconds, that experiences, life, will pass me by. It feels like I will never have a high again, that I have reached, peaked, crashed, and plateaued. Now what was Jenna tries to complete her education but is miserable and wracked inside. What is life? What is this? I hate people. Hate them. Hate myself for being the problem in the first place.