Feeling at this very moment nonchalant to all that is happening……i\'m sure as this rant goes on my mood will move to something else.
Need to rant but with all that\'s in my head and the indifference, I\'m not sure where to start or as it may be, care to start. I guess I\'ve been in a contemplative mood today, deciding not to do anything and not to feel bad about that. The dishes are teetering on the the edge of the sink that require my attention……that can wait for another day.
Where do i start, so much procrastination, if there were an olympic sport in procrastination, I would take gold or at least silver. There has been so much emotion this week, I just need to be dissasociated with myself, which I can clearly see in this blog.
My dad is dying and the other day in the middle of work as i empathised with a lady who had just lost everything in a house fire, it finally hit me, the enormity of it. Tears streamed down my face, previously the tears were welling in my eyes for the heartache I felt for this poor lady.
I regained composure, but when someone asks you in a fragile state whether you are ok, the first thing that happens is an involuntary response of your mind and body saying "no, I\'m not". The tears started again this time with sobbing. So I went home and embraced this grief I was feeling, that I had denied and buried deep within. I sobbed and sobbed, needing that release, feeling guilty about it, that it was a sign of weakness. But I fought the urge to switch off, letting every last part of me feel what it needed to feel.
Now I am back to complete detachment from the situation which is fine, better to be this way with the occasional outburst than to be in a constant state of grief. I hope next time I have somebody i care about close by to offer support, affection and an a listening ear. That was the only sad part about the experience, doing it on my own. I cant go to the people I would usually go to when i\'m upset – my parents. They carry such a heavy burden, who am I to increase that load. They need my support.
I cried for my mum as much as I did my dad. The pain she must be going through, knowing that the person she has spent a good part of her life is not going to be around soon. Everyday, she lives the illness that my dad is suffering from, feeds him his pills, keeps up his optimism. We talk very openly about what\'s going on but I see her hands start to fidget when we talk of the future.
Now, I\'m back to being the happy, positive slightly kooky daughter they love, they are none the wiser of my grief. I think at some point I will let them know my grief so hopefully like what happened to me will happen to them and they will be able to feel the grief, just for a little bit, that they push down deep inside in order to maintain there strength. I think it would be therapuetic for them, it was for me, a release, an acceptance of sorts.
My boyfriend, my beautiful boyfriend, I\'m trying hard not to run away scared or push you away with foolish words. I think sometimes i fail at the latter. Please forgive me for my fear, I do not mean to confuse you. You don\'t know that my brain constantly looks for fault so as not to get too attached or to fall in love with you. I fight those thoughts, you are too good to me.
Procrastination – to do anything else so we can\'t possibly fail at the task at hand.