My friend AB is going to a Rainbow Gathering in Montana for Thanksgiving. It sounds rather nice, actually. There is no money there. You go to the kitchens in the forest and they make dinner and you get fed. Then you hang around with the other hippies and talk and share stories. You trade pins and patches and home made jewelry. You don't worry about having the best clothes or looking like a movie star or a fashion model. You just get to be yourself. It sounds really nice and I wish I could go, but I am just not up to traveling.

AB told me it would be a great change in pace for me since I am so materialistic and always worried about looks, status and all that. I think he is right. I find myself drifting off in thought about the gathering and what it must be like. Ironically, he says they make great pizza in the brick ovens in the forest. LOL! I can imagine I'd be one FAT hippy…

Sigh… I want to go to one of these things. Maybe if I stop having so many anxiety attacks I can go with him sometime. I bet it's nice. Most of the people there are probably Zen and understanding and accepting. And I really don't think they care if a woman wears make up or not…

So I called my therapist today and told her I am trying group therapy which is a lie. I just needed SOME way to get out of this… I told her that I don't think one on one therapy is working for me which is THE TRUTH. I really resented when she said to me a few weeks ago, "It isn't the therapy that's not working. It's YOU." Well, isn't it her fucking job to HELP ME?? Shit, what a stupid thing for her to say. Sure I have a million problems, addictions and afflictions, but SHE is supposed to be supporting and helping me, not just listening, making the same suggestions and collecting her check…

I hope I can have a break from therapy and try again. I never found it useful beyond a few sessions to be honest. And as for really going to group therapy that would make me nuts. I'd rather go to the Rainbow Gathering. LOL.


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