So, I've found blogging a little helpful. I don't expect anyone to read them because I tend to ramble, but it's nice when people do.
I just don't know how I even feel right now. Isn't that weird? I know I'm worried. I feel like I'm losing touch with reality. I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel dumber….I forget words, I get tongue twisted, I can't concentrate. And I know this is probably all side effects of my medication or anxiety in general. I just want me back. SO bad. It makes me so sad when I think about how great my normal life was before my anxiety hit for the second time. And for some reason this is worse. I think because of the ativan. The first time my anxiety hit I was prescribed an antidepressant and that was it. To think that this medication may ruin my life and the damn doctor who prescribed it to me gave me no warning whatsoever about how addictive it is. I would have declined. I can't say that I hate doctors. They really are essential to the well being of all, but the doctors I deal with just seem to be completly inadequate
Yet another thing I worry about is now that I'm tapering off of ativan, I don't feel okay unless I'm around my mom. I will panic, worry, let my ocd get to me. I'm 20 years old. I shouldn't have to be taken care of. I shouldn't have to be around my mom 24/7. It's not right and it's just not possible. my mom works, and I work part time.
As I said before all I can do is hope this gets better. Because I don't know what to do to make it better. But I'm going to keep trying.
I completely understand what you mean about wanting yourself back. You never realize how much you miss yourself until you take a leave of absence.
I felt like that when I got my first attack plus I had the burning scalp and painful back because of my nerves. I finally got on Lexapro. I am taking Lorzapam which is the generic form of ativan and its not too addicting. I don't use it much unless I need it. I think one prescription last for 3 months. So it can't be that addicting. I would not worry about it. Shoot me a comment whenever you want to talk. I am pretty open. You will get better.
Lamia