had class w neil. talked things out, he has fucked his neighbor, but it was a month ago and they are just both friends. he likes me, but has also just gotten out of long term relationship. i dont know what that’s like. i just want to have someone, i want someone that i am sure of in my life. i guess….if he did not like me he would just not put the effort into clearing things up…actually has not lied to me since ive known him. still sucks, going, in all reality, for something that won’t happen.

i had sex with neil. i don’t even remeber it, i was drunk and not in control, he was upset when he found out i didnt remember it. he told the girl who he is friends with/has fucked. she lives in friend’s building. told friends. i had told them no, because i feel like it is none of their buisness…and also before i had time to, thought/ heard neil was dating someone else. thats not a great time for me to admit that i did that….was already feeling bad. i just want someone but there is noone. friend is moving next door to friends in other building. i am jealous, i feel more left out, and when i see them together, like tonight, watching gossip girl, i hated them for the bliss they had, that they had thrown me out of. i want to be wanted and its ugly. i feel like isolate myself more and hide the pain. dont rely on anyone, not on friends not on neil, not on parents. then i can be safe, i can always hide there, and noone will know how sad i feel. going home on tues for the break. i cant wait to leave and i don’t know what will happen after that…