Its now been 2 and a half months since I've been living here in my new home with my fiance, and it really is a peaceful place. But I'm still sad, and I'm still anxious and even lonley sometimes. I don't have a job yet, I'm still finishing up a BS class for Montclair State U (thats another story), but anyway, I should be grauated by August…the point is, I'm all alone here all day, until Eric gets bak from work around 7 30 or so, and I'm an hour away from my friends and whats left of my family. I should be spending every minute working on my final project that I have to complete for this one stupid course, so I can graduate…but I spend most of the day moping around. I miss my family…the way that they used to be. When my mother wasn't a self centered but case and she didn't yet leave my dad..and when my dad WAS HAPPY…a LONG LONG time ago. When my family was a close-knit unit-it was my mom and dad, my two silly younger brothers, and me…and it was wonderful. We would find a way EVERY YEAR, no matter how broke we were to go on a family vacation, EVERY SUMMER, and this summer is going to be the first summer in a whole long line of summers that my family is broken…and there will be no more trips to Bar Harbor Maine. Its amazing how much a place can have an effect on you, how much you can grieve a PLACE, knowing that you will never go back there again…and even if you will never be the same. My family MADE THAT PLCAE magical. They MADE it special, even though that it is a magnificent place on its own. My heart aches thinking about all of those years driving up there, stopping at places along the way to eat, laughing together and anticipating what was soon to come in only a few hours. All of that is DEAD now. And it will remain dead until I, myself am dead, I can't let go. I look at my mother often…every time that I see her actually, and I ask her "Mom…why? We were all so happy together…we were a family, Mom. How can you give all of that up just because you want to feel like a giggling school girl again with your new boyfriend?" HOW COULD YOU, MOTHER?

And she always responds with the same damn sentence…"Jess you aren't thinking of me as a person, think of me as a WOMAN…I was lonley with dad, he didn't pay attention to me, I resent him for this, that, and that. I'm happy with this guy now, I'm not lonley., blah, BLAH BLAH. Nothing that she can tell me will EVER justify what she did to her children, her husband, her FAMILY. Its is as though the superficial giddy feeling of "A new love," who gives her allll the attention she wants and MORE (he's got money!) is enough to make her FORGET about what the hell she has DONE. Lucky for her, she WILL be going on another vacation this summer, for the second time actually…her new boyfriend has LOTS of cash and brings her on frequent vacations overseas…last month it was Norway…this week its Santo Domingo…I guess its easy to forget about a lame vacation with your family in Maine when you can go any where else you want in the world. It has been since October that all of this has taken place…mother has an affair, mother is told to leave, mother spends Christmas with new family , mother permanently moves out (that happend right before Chrstmas) and now here I am…moved out, engaged, and here I am, still broken inside. My mom tells me I have to "get over it already" and that nothing is EVER going to go back to the way it was. She keeps trying to get me to become friends with her new boyfriend, but …just no. I'm not ready for that and I don't think I ever WILL BE, but uts like she just can't put that through her head…I MISS MY FAMILY…I MISS MY CHILDHOOD, I MISS BAR HARBOR MAINE, like you wouldn't believe. I never would have thought that a vacation spot that my family and I would go to every summer would ever have such a connection to me, enough to make me grieve it, as though it was a lost member of my family…I grieve it every day, and right about now is the time when we would ALL be planning to go and getting all excited for it…and this year, we will do no such thing, and we will not be returning to that house on that island, and I can't let go of that,

1 Comment
  1. VicD 11 years ago

    Hey jess, I kinda understand what u r going thru. I'm old fashioned, and I believe in keeping a family together. But one thing I've learned is the fact that people change, whether we like it it or not. This is going to sound a little blunt, but let your mother be, let her do what she has to, don't let this misery that your feeling rollover into your realtionship and soon to be marriage, and your future for that matter. Stay focused and positive, think about yourself. Let it go, let the bitterness go, it will eat you up alive. Don't give it the satisfaction of wasting your time on it.  Belive me I know.  Let yourself be happy. You have a new life to look forward to, don't start it out this way. Start it out on a positive feeling. And as far as your mother goes, well,  if she did wrong,and trust me on this, WHAT GOES AROUND…..COMES AROUND.  I truly, truly, truly believe this and have witnessed this on several occasions I'm glad to report. And another thing, call your dad and your two brothers and start setting up a trip to maine with them, pronto. Forget your mother, you still have the rest of your family, don't stop living and enjoying yourself because she doesn't want to be a part of it anymore. Do your thing, don't let anyone stop you from living. They don't want to do it, too bad for them, you move on and do what you have to do. Hope this helps jess. Take care.

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