Argh. I'm going nuts from being so idle this winter break. I have horrible time management skills but at the same time I need some form of work/social interaction to be sane.

I have many blessings, but I feel awful because I can't enjoy them like I should because of my depression. Besides homework, I've had a large amount of time to myself and should have enjoyed it through my hobbies. The result? I'm unfocused, procrastinating, insanely bored, anxious and only relatively content when I'm spending time with other people and force a few chuckles (I've hung out with friends a couple times and it helps, but eh.). If I sit down and play a video game or read a book by myself I get boredom and anxiety instead of pleasure.  If I'm at school, I face the fear of encountering an impossible task, but I am more occupied and have less time to worry or be anxious.

 

On top of all this, I'm lonely as heck due to my breakup. I don't miss who my boyfriend truly was, but I miss what he portrayed himself to be (if you look past the contrived manner). I keep having weird dreams. I miss showering someone [I thought was] special with affection, and believing he regarded me the same way. We had fun doing nerdy hobbies together. In the beginning he added lots of color to my life (see blog "I Need Hope" for analogy) but when he revealed his true colors (haha, pun) mine started to fade from disappointment from his emotional abuse/deceit and doubt in myself. It's weird how being lonely can hurt so much.

 

Eh. So, in short, I'm looking forward to going back to school despite the ungodly hour I have to wake up to go there. Yay work! It numbs the pain!
 

Does anyone else suffer from this too? Please feel free to share your story.

1 Comment
  1. Robin 13 years ago

    Yeah, I have many blassing but it’s hard to enjoy them with depression/OCD.  I should have enjoyed this weekend off from work, but instead have slept most of it away. I sleep over 12 hours at a time, then get nothing done. My house is a mess. I hate that, and it makes me feel worse. Work is a distraction at least, though it is so boring. Do you write for a hobby? If not, you might want to think about it. Just from your blog, I can tell you have talent.

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