When I posted the last blog I wanted to write more, but my computer at home is not working so I have been using the library.
I can honestly say I am doing terrific for once. It doesn't mean I don't struggle, because I still struggle quite a bit, but along with therapy, reading self help, doing an outpatient program for depression, going to pflagg(gay support group meetings) and becoming more social things are looking very up.
I do struggle with bdd/ocd, but what I am realizing that more of it has to do with what people are thinking. I think one thing that has been helping me is I keep thinking when I am 80 years old am I going to be worried about all the stupid shit that I let get under my skin, the answer is no, so I try not to let it get to me now, but its still hard for me.
I will give you an example of not being able to let things go. I am in excellent physical shape and one of the women that runs one of the running groups I belong to kept making comments a few months ago. I think the comments were sort of hinting that she thought I had become to thin. The thing is I had some lost, but it was a healthy amount of weight, but a lot of it had to do was that I was able to increase my racing time, NOT because of any kind of eating disorder(although she asked me if I was eating(roll eyes). The thing is most people comment in a very postive way to my physical appearance, for the last 3 months I have let her one comment rule my life. To the point where I was having problems looking at people in the face. I don't know what she made the comment, maybe she was concerned, maybe in her eyes she thought I lost to much weight, maybe she was jealous?? Who knows??
The bottom line is I eat 3 meals a day. I eat healthy and I watch. One important thing I learned from this experience is this. While its nice that people comment about my appearance in a postive way, you are always going to hear things that are negative, not just with looks, but with everything. Although, this might be a little cliche, if you are happy with what you see in the mirror that is all that truly matters(and I am. I see a nice looking guy, who is physically fit, and who is not too thin)
Does the woman still bother me, yeah, but the better question is why I have given someone so much power that at times I would sit in my apartment all weekend shortly after she made the comment, and worrying that everyone might think I am too thin and would lie in bed and not leave.
I still have to work on not letting things get to me, because last week I had an ulcer that ruptured and needed emergency surgery. I am fine and back running.
As far as jobs. I have an interview this week for a home health agency and another for a lady who is moving to the area who has 7 year old twins who is looking for a male nanny. In the long run these are things I do not want to be doing as a career, but as I build my self esteem I want to do things.
I am also joining a gay bowling league in Sept and I am going to contine running and ready to kick some major butt 🙂
One thing I try to keep in perspective is to keep my problems in perspective. I was in the hospital once, and a lady was talking about her struggle with drinking and she said her brothers son, had all these heart problems when he was born, he was in the ICU, and while he is okay now, she thought when she was having a bad day, she would keep that in perspective.
I try to think like that as well, but sometimes its rough struggling with ocd.
The other thing I have learned is most people could careless if I am gay, they have there own problems/lives and I think they like me based on my character and if they don't like me because I am gay, I no longer care.
In the past I could not of talked about the activites that i have joined, because they are gay sporting leagues. I can now write and post about it with ease.
I also have to say it has taken a lot to repair the **EXTREME** bullying that I endured in high school
Here are my race results. I am #4 on the list. In case you want to look. I am proud of this accomplishment, every race I have done so far, I have placed.
Anger can be a great motivation.