Many things have been happening form last Spring to this Winter. I do not favor winter for there is just not enough sunlight and I know for people such as I . it means suffering, it gets harder. Even though I have kept busy with my daughters house I still feel so many things missing and my mind just won't let me have much peace. Strangly enough I have not been doing too many rituals but I make up for it in depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, on top of the regular OCD-the rituals. I don't know what's worse cause it is like trying to dodge many vehicles coming at you, it makes you feel lost, overwhelmed, and tired like I had been the day before, I had to constantly lie down and then sleep. I do not medicate myself, nor do I believe in it, so I guess my mind and body were trying to deal with whatever was going on, and many times I know it must go into survival mode. I cannot get done almost anything, because of the constant thinking, and I don't know what to do first. Thank goodness I am getting the mandatory things done, but as today like many days I planed to work on my creative writing and I was not able to do so. I do thank all my visitors and I try to bring a smile when I can. I always try to laugh as possible for I know it can be a form of medicine, so can be good music!
Mary finally moved into her home beggining of November before the Christmas and Thanksgiving Holiday. Jobs are hard and they are both struggling. We know how that is, we all have been there, especially staring out new in life. I think she gets depressed and has anxiety as well. I don't think any of my kids has OCD, but I think about it now and then. I do not know if it can be passed on, for me I strongly think that it was environment that brought it on for me. When I write it is hard to know where to start, so I started from my grandparents because I beleive they are my legion, where it all began as far back as I can remember. I sometimes want to go for help, but who can you go to be vunerable to. I feel I should be able to fix this. I know I have a lot of things built up inside that I never had said to my mom, things bottled up. There is the two kind of daughters the ones who rebel and the others who just sit there and take it and not talk back to their mothers, not make trouble for them, not speak up for themselves, and certainly pull it all in, very grown up, and very just not natural. My minds demands things and somethings it must play these hurt tricks on me, these things that it is just hard to function like every body else. We try to be perfect girls growng up and yet we find that we were still a pebble in our mothers shoes as one friend had put it. It is hard to understand ourselves, and even harder to try to have somebody else understand us. I am a big thinker and I can solve just about any problem with a friend but I cannot solve my own. I cannot fix this thing that I never knew had a name to it such as Compulsive Disorder till a few years ago, close to the time I had encountered this site. I don't want to pull away but I find myself on Auto-piot as I have used that rerm with my best friend Brenda. For now my auto-pilot is making it difficult to go on my ocdtribe, my e-mail, and to write. Same as going out the door, which is pretty bad recently in Missouri, who wants to go outside, but I know that is crucial for me, and I just can't do it. On the phone except for my Mary, I really do not want to get on the phone lines. It makes me kind of mad that in todays age people are so self absorbed, thye are like me, me, they are really so selfish, and so insensitive to everybody around them. Just a smile, a how are you can mean the world, a warm and welcome giggle in your voice could mean everything to someone who is really hiding how down they are and these are hard and troubled times for everybody around us. And just because there had been some mean people in our lives, and a lot of hirt, we should not let our hearts turn into stone! Baby steps so they say and I know how hard that can all be, how hard it is just to deal with the world around you, and just to take your shower and make super can be a big deal many times. Probably because I have ran my right wrist into the window, a large window and have a deep cut on it. I know, what was I thinking too much probably at the time, that was one puch that first on the wrong thing that I hit and defintely I did not get the upper hand on, and not just a redened hand. My scare is a constant reminder that I still ignore when I have to do my rituals, but I still have to say thank God for I di not cut into the vein. Still I had to take care of it with stitches cause it could of been life threatening, my mind always wants something sharp to cut me from the ankles up, but I know God gave me a strong and beautiful mind, as he has given me that same spirit, and for me there is just no question about it, my relligious convictions and upbringing would never alow myself to do it, but there is always that split second of being overhwelmed where you mind is not in the best of control and knowlege for you that might ever be in this same perdictament, please take a deep breath and pray, an put a happy thought in your mind, your child or whatever it takes, for you never know what is around the corner, tomorrow is a new day. It can never be that bad for the sun will come up and it will go back down the same way no matter what. It is not in our hands when we come and when we go. For me I am at the point in my life where I am asking questions about my spirit what was the point of my coming. My freind Brenda says there are better things that are coming. Maybe that is true but how would I know that I was me, for no matter how bad things were in my life I do not want to forget about me in this life and the family that I have made, that is more important to me than my own life. Family is the most important thing, help them when you can, and when a friend is hurting or is down or needs a helping hand when you are able in life give them that helping hand! I will close my blog on this more serious note for now since I have a while to write, but still encourage you to just smile and laugh the world is always more better when you do! God bless, may you all be safe and sound,and take care of yourselves for no one else can, so you can be around for those who love you. Love, Ekaterini-Kathy
My therapist told me to use a full spectrum light for the short days of winter. Start in Oct. at 11am and sit in from of the light box. Begin at 5 minutes a day and gradually build up to a half hour by Dec. Then everday at 11 am, sit in front of your light box for a half hour . Continue this until the days get longer and warmer. You can discontinue by Easter and resume next Oct. This is the treatment for seasonal affective disorder– a type of depression which sets in when you do not get enough daylight.
Thank you for the wonderful coment and concern. I really, really apreciate it. I know the light makes a big difference. I don't have the lamp, this winter was a long hard one in Missouri. I am so looking forward for the beautiful Spring Missouri days and that sunlight. I hope things are going good for you as well and you can enjoy the natural sunlight of those days coming ahead. I really appreciate your friendship and wonderful heart! Love, Ekaterini-Kathy