I’m having nightmares as of late… Really weird nightmares. I don’t like to sleep in the first place, but now I really don’t want to sleep. They say dreams are the visions of issues in the back of your mind, and I can get that (of course sometimes you have dreams just to have dreams. I highly doubt talking daisies had any relevance to any of my issues O.o). Some of my dreams do tell of things I’m thinking about, but others are… gosh, they’re just odd, scary, and make me wake up in cold sweat, wanting to burst into tears.

M’kay, I feel really embarrassed admitting this, but I had a dream about America’s Next Top Model. In the dream, a few of my closest friends secretly entered me in ANTM. When the paper came telling me I was one of the semi-finalists, they told me it was for an acting audition. So off to CA I went. Once I was in the big group with all the other girls, I looked around thinking about how much competition I had, and suddenly Jay Manuel and Miss J. came out saying that we were the semi-finalists of ANTM. I remember freaking out, and before I could say anything Tyra Banks came out and pointed to me and said "You’re gonna be on America’s Next Top Model!" I woke up right after that.

It had me… shaken for some reason. I’ve been having self esteem issues as of late, but I didn’t think they would transfer into my dreams! ‘Cause quite honestly I could care less of how I look to others, but I’ve noticed I’m very conscience to myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t not like what I see, but I just find so many faults that just… God, I don’t even know. It irritates me, makes me sad that I’m thinking that way, and who knows what else to label the negative energy as.

That just scratched the surface of my nightmares/issues, but I need to figure out what else is seriously getting me down. I also feel like I’m losing it each day I’m stuck at home watching my baby brother or cleaning. I get angry/upset, and it’s very hard to come out of it if I do at all. Just as I thought I was getting to feeling better, it hit really hard.

What’s wrong with me? Why are my nightmares so frequent now? Do I seriously have a ton of issues I need to sort through, or is my paranoia of the world just acting up and invading my sleep? I don’t like being so vulnerable… How do I stop that too? I really need some help with this. I hate not having the money for a therapist or doc or something.

Thanks for reading this

~Sara