Sometimes when I try to make order out of my life I feel like I’m making it more chaotic and messy. It’s not that everything I touch goes to crap, but maybe it just feels that way. I can’t stand not having “order” and what-have-you.
I’ve been sleeping all day. Literally. All day. I want to go to bed soon so I can get up at a decent hour tomorrow, but I just don’t know if it will come to me. I did way too much of stuff I shouldn’t have. . . So I’m waking up from being a zombie. I feel like days have passed me by.
When I woke-up around twelve A. M., I watched Hulu. . . Wasting time. . . Getting some food in me. . .
I feel very isolated and alone right now. The person I’ve been seeing has gone away for the weekend. . . Not like we’re emotionally close anyhow, but I still miss it. . .
I’ve been in touch with one of the people from the Pen-Pal International. He seems like a really nice guy and I’m enjoying getting to know him, but I’m starting to think he’s searching for more than just a correspondence/friendship. This troubles me. . . I don’t want him to start liking me and feeling a connection when I can’t reciprocate it, but I have a problem hurting people. . . When you see all the lonely people out here in the world who have grown up in hard times but still come out beautiful and as lovely human beings. . . It just tears my heart open. I don’t know how to describe it. . .
It’s almost four in the morning. I want to sneak off to have a cigarette. . . I just feel like I really need it, then I want to collapse and go to sleep. . .
Tomorrow I’m not going to feel so great, being here with my mother while my sister goes to the family get-together. . . At least she’s taking her boyfriend, though. Tomorrow I’m going to clean, and figure out what classes to register for. . . College begins soon enough. . .