Sometimes when I try to make order out of my life I feel like I’m making it more chaotic and messy. It’s not that everything I touch goes to crap, but maybe it just feels that way. I can’t stand not having “order” and what-have-you.

I’ve been sleeping all day. Literally. All day. I want to go to bed soon so I can get up at a decent hour tomorrow, but I just don’t know if it will come to me. I did way too much of stuff I shouldn’t have. . . So I’m waking up from being a zombie. I feel like days have passed me by.

When I woke-up around twelve A. M., I watched Hulu. . . Wasting time. . . Getting some food in me. . .

I feel very isolated and alone right now. The person I’ve been seeing has gone away for the weekend. . . Not like we’re emotionally close anyhow, but I still miss it. . .

I’ve been in touch with one of the people from the Pen-Pal International. He seems like a really nice guy and I’m enjoying getting to know him, but I’m starting to think he’s searching for more than just a correspondence/friendship. This troubles me. . . I don’t want him to start liking me and feeling a connection when I can’t reciprocate it, but I have a problem hurting people. . . When you see all the lonely people out here in the world who have grown up in hard times but still come out beautiful and as lovely human beings. . . It just tears my heart open. I don’t know how to describe it. . .

It’s almost four in the morning. I want to sneak off to have a cigarette. . . I just feel like I really need it, then I want to collapse and go to sleep. . .

Tomorrow I’m not going to feel so great, being here with my mother while my sister goes to the family get-together. . . At least she’s taking her boyfriend, though. Tomorrow I’m going to clean, and figure out what classes to register for. . . College begins soon enough. . . 

  1. mattmic 12 years ago

    I can relate to wanting a cigarette. I haven”t smoked in two years and suddenly the urge is there. When I don”t feel right mentally is when I feel like I need something extra. It bugs me, because I drink beer in a healthy way, and I am afraid I am going to get unhealthy with it and have to give it up.

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  2. Martha_My_Dear 12 years ago

    Mattmic, all I have to say is exaaactly.  =)  I seem to have a pattern of smoking for half a year or so, then not smoking the rest of the year, and then it repeats.  I hope it gets easier to fight off the urge down the road for you (and me)!

    Sometimes just seeing it . . . or something that reminds me of myself when smoking makes me want to do it, too.  Sad.

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  3. Martha_My_Dear 12 years ago

    Wow. . . I never researched much into BPD before. I would hate to jump the gun, but that is rather . . . much like me, the symptoms and issues. . . Huh, wow.

    I have more issues than I can shake a stick at, but I”m usually good at getting by. . . I know I”ve used self-mutilation through the years to help aid me, but when I did it as a child it was just because I thought I should be punished and was angered by myself. I think my lack of self-esteem comes from my severe abandonment issues, childhood experiences, and sexual abuse . . ., and generally always feeling unloved, left-out and not good enough like the people who have lead "normal", happy lives are. . . I was sick and had surgeries a few years ago, and I”m still trying to lose the weight caused by that. . . And so on and so on.

    You are incredibly right that I am very harmful to myself in both indirect and direct ways, emotionally and physically. I”ve wondered from time to time if my accident prone nature is also a part of that. . . I”m sorry to hear your troubles with this. . .  Reading your page touched me very much.  It just doesn”t seem fair to be a walking self-destructive mess, does it?  It”s like being a walking contradiction all the time to what you”re "suppose" to be doing, and that”s living and trying to enjoy it.

    Lots to think about. Thank you so much for commenting, Mart. I really think I should get help for myself in the future as soon as I can. I may have to wait until after college (or until I get money somehow), but I find it very comforting in the meantime that there are others out there like me who know what it”s like.  I feel pleased to have met you on here. 


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