I had therapy today but I somehow shut her out and missed a real chance to get stuff off my chest. I wish I wasn’t such a coward when it came to dealing with my feelings. Sometimes when something challenging is happening I zone out and I feel all the motivation drain from my body. I’d been anxiously waiting for her to call me so I could talk to her about the crap going on and how I wasn’t handling it well. When she called all I could say was that I was tired and agreed to do a session on a different day. Now I’ve got to wait for another month.

I also told myself I’d cool down my use of electronics but I spent more than 6 hours on them. I’ve spent more than that, maybe relatively it’s not bad buts its not good either. I’ve gotten addicted to my phone and I don’t know what to do without it.

I’ve been feeling very inferior lately. I feel like everyone around me has outgrown me and left me behind. I think being left behind is one of my biggest fears. I’ve got some serious abandonment issues. Maybe that’s what I should talk to her about next time. The thing is I think I’m scared of her. I lie to myself when I hear her voice and I tell myself she hates me just as much as everyone else and it makes it hard to talk with her about my feelings. I get afraid to be annoying. Maybe that’s what I should tell her. Maybe she’d know what to do about that. I’ve started to try and people please her but that’s stupid.

For a few sessions now we’ve discussed talking about childhood trauma but we never do. I don’t know how to approach the subject and she never remembers to. It’s pretty stressful. I was thinking of ordering some books and reading them. I’d like to heal from some of the stuff I’ve gone through. Maybe with the adequate vocabulary I could approach her with my pain. Present it in a way that makes sense.

I just wish I hadn’t squandered my opportunity today. But it almost felt like she wanted me to leave. She kept saying we’d have another chance to talk. Ultimately it was my fault. I didn’t voice my needs. I just got quiet and said “OK” over and over until we hung up. I just agreed because I had no proverbial fight.

I’ll have to bring that all up next time. I can tell her:

Last session we ended it early but I think that was a mistake on my part. I wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t have the energy to talk but it doesn’t mean I didn’t have anything to talk about. I just have trouble getting myself to do so. I didn’t want to end the session but I couldn’t find he words to explain what I was feeling or what I needed so I gave up and agreed with everything you were saying.

Afterward I felt really bad. I cried as soon as we hung up. I was angry at myself for not knowing how to talk about my feelings and for minimizing how badly I was feeling, especially since you’re a health care professional. I’m used to doing that with everyone else, never voicing my needs, but that only leads to resentment. I also partly do it to hurt myself. To leave myself isolated and without any outlets.

But there are important things I want to talk to you about. To mention that I have been dissociating a lot. I do it from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. I do it because I’m really miserable and I’d rather just float away than to remain in my body with the depression and pain. It’s my default and it’s hard to come back from wherever I go.

I don’t know how to describe why I’m depressed which is part of why I never brought it up last session. I didn’t have the words so I said nothing. There’s nothing big or terrible in my life. But there’s also nothing good. That sounds ungrateful. There are lots of good things. I just mean I have no purpose for waking up other than fulfilling my responsibilities.

The only clearly negative things are my thoughts and feelings. I am constantly feeling guilty and worthless and ugly and inferior in every way. My mind tells me I am unloved and not needed. These things can feel very hurtful. And that is all I consciously know. Can you help me to figure out the rest?

I want to feel better. I pray for it everyday. I want to feel better and I want to stop wasting my opportunities for healing.

When I came in I hung out with my family for a while. I had dinner. I did some research on self help books and I wrote in here. Maybe that can be something but truly it feels like nothing. I am not very proud. I am disappointed and I feel so much sadness in my heart.

I won’t waste my opportunity next time. I’ll have to face my fears. And as for now, I’ll try my best to face tomorrow without numbing my feelings. That’ll be my challenge. Maybe I can try some of the grounding techniques she sent me.