I feel alone, isolated and chronicly empty. My life feels full of chaos and it’s hard to resolve any of it due to the little motivation and hope I have left within.
I have started harming slightly, I feel I am trying to show the people around what I can’t some how say. However, I don’t have any idea what they could do, but then again I equally have no idea of how to help myself.
I feel frustrated with myself and with the people around me. I want that feeling to end, I hope and long for a quick fix, some answers. Most of all, I hope for people to give me a little optimism that things won’t always be like this. But it doesn’t seem to he happening.
I’m so low, so desperate and so frustrated at myself and others around for not being able to help. I try to occupy myself during the day, but I have no energy or motivation so I just sleep through it, but then comes the night and this is the real challenge. Each minute that passes feels like hours. Everything is closed – the shops, the library, everything and I struggle to pass time.
I keep taking medication or paracetmols or anything, I know I take more than I should take, but I want it all to stop for a moment. I know everytime that I could have died, but then that would be okay. In a strange way it offers the hope I so desperately seek, the possibility that I could be free from my pain.
I think I am lucky I have a CPN and psychiatrist that I can see listening and really wanting to help and that they prescribe medication to help with all of this, but, whatever they do, it won’t be enough. I don’t know how to explain it.It just wont be enough to take this away.
When I go to my appointments now, I’m concerned that they think i’m ungrateful, and a time waster and what’s worse is that it’s probably right.
Everyone around me has become distant, no one knows how to help me. I try my best to take the pressure off and not talk about my problems with them. This works well for a while but I can’t maintain it and I hate lying and I am sure they see through me… so I just avoid them altogether.
I have had everyone pushed away for ages now and when I do try to contact them phones are switched off, people are busy, in meetings or out with other friends. They think I am paranoid.
I really want to be able to say that this is goodby. I’m sorry.